I have had what can only be described as a shitty week. Made all the worse due to me knocking over my external hard drive and losing 95% of my downloaded H!P stuff, including all my precious subbed Hello! Morning episodes. Well at least Veoh has most of the ones I had still up. Now I’ve had to buy a new external hd though. Anyway through aimless boredom I decided to look through the random search terms people have come to my blog under. Then as I needed to to cheer myself up (and what better way to do that than to be a bit silly) I started to postulate what the news story would be if these search terms had been newspaper headlines…
THE MORNING TIMES
Price: 1 Wonky, a Johnson or a sexy beam
REINA PICK ERI AS GIRLFRIEND
MM shock as cute couple announce their love
The cute couple after announcing their relationship yesterday
Gasps were heard around Hello! Project Halls yesterday as it was announced that tempting teen Tanaka Reina (18 ) had chosen cute queen Kamei Eri (19) to be her partner. Residents of the halls (where girls are kept four to a room and only fed sparingly so as not to ruin their appetites for any tv programmes they may be appearing in) reacted in shock. One resident who didn’t want to be named but we’ll name anyway as Sayumi Michishige said last night “I’m appalled. I’m also kawaii. Kawaii, kawaii, kawaii, kawaii, kawaii” (cute pose). When pressed to stick to the point she continued “well as I’m the most kawaii I thought she’d pick me” (dazed & confused look). Meanwhile MM’s leader Takahashi Lovely made this official statement… “as Reina & Eri are now an item we have to travel through the city to find out what their use is. It’ll probably involve cooking.” Only joking. What she actually said was “as Reina & Eri are now an item they have been ‘graduated’* with immediate effect. We are now looking for two replacements. The two replacements must be female, under 20 and Asian but not Japanese as we’re pretty much out on our feet over here.” The happy couple are expected to celebrate by spending the day riding roller coasters while screaming into a camera.
*Graduation is a term used to describe the act in which someone hitherto very famous slowly disappears under shadowy and mysterious circumstances.
THE MORNING TIMES
Price: 200 Mikan’s
ERI VICTIMS 2008
Police warn of troubled teens turtle terror
Eri in happier times…about to attack someone with a large stick
Police are warning the public to be on their guard following a spate of assaults in the past 6 months. Police are apparently blaming the attacks on popular introverted idol Kamei Eri (19). In these assaults random passers by are accosted by a young woman in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume and forced to hear her sing cover versions of Mini Moni songs. Police are urging people not to go near this woman as she is dangerous. Chief Detective Reina said last night “any exposure to the songs of Mini Moni is potentially damaging to your ear drums and to your mental health. This person must be stopped. When arrested we will attempt to get to the bottom of this via intense interrogation, possibly involving a game not unlike Buckaoo”.
Detective Reina: Determined to stop terror
Although these attacks aren’t pleasant, experts have predicted that victims could make a full recovery. One leading psychologist an N Abe said “at least she isn’t singing C-ute songs. There’s really no comeback from that level of terror”.
THE MORNING TIMES
Price: 8 generations
SUPERIMPOSE MY FACE ONTO ACTION FIGURE
Experts warn Abe Natsumi’s demands become more ridiculous by the day
Abe last week. Demanding all the blue Smarties be removed. Butter wouldn’t melt.
Sickly ballad singer Abe Natsumi’s demands are growing more insane by the day a leading gossip meddler warned yesterday. According to Hello! Career? spokesperson Yuko Nakazawa the impish baladeer (26 but seems older despite not looking it) is now demanding that her face be superimposed onto an action figure, preferably one from an American action film. It is thought that the baby-faced singer of popular songs, especially of a romantic or sentimental nature, wants to be seen as a leather clad action heroine like that one out of Underworld or maybe a fiery enforcer of justice like Angelina Jolie in her crap new film Wanted. Ex-MM partner Yaguchi Mari (25) said, when we telephoned her randomly yesterday, “well Abe is never happy and won’t be until all the world kneels down before her. When we were in MM together she was always telling me her complaints. Complaints made me happy, or feel lucky or something like that, I forget now. Today’s lucky item is a yellow handkerchief by the way. She doesn’t like her image as a cute, feminine out of town type and wants to be seen as a go-getting all-action force of nature. You wouldn’t want to get in her way once she gets something into her head. I know where the bodies are buried, that’s all I’m saying.” Abe was unavailable to comment last night as she was busy singing slow sentimental songs interspered with very slightly faster romantic ones. Her spokesperson stated she couldn’t comment for her as she was busy removing all the yellow M&M’s from the bowl.
Yes I was bored and yes all 3 were actual search terms. What somone was looking for when they typed in Eri Victims 2008 the mind can only boggle at. As for the Reina picks Eri one I could give that one some long and deep thought but that would be rude. 😉