Odds and Ayas

I’ve been struggling to find things to write about recently. I mean sure I get odd little thoughts like “is it wrong to fancy Rika Ishikawa when she’s playing the poor wife in those old Hello!Morning skits?” I’m not sure of the answer but god she’s strangely sexy. But that’s hardly worth a post all of it’s own. Also thinking that C-ute’s next single is their worst ever doesn’t really inspire me to put pen to paper (well fingers to keyboard but you get my drift). Not even if the pv does feature legs. Also the thought that Biyuden’s version of Nanni mo Iwazu ni I Love You is perfect in every way and that I’d probably like it to be the last song I listen to before I die is hardly of interest to anyone. Plus Lovely’s pb still hasn’t come from Yesyou’llgetiteventuallyifyoudon’tmindwaitingAsia so I can’t even drool over my laptop screen while talking of it’s good points. So what does a blogger do when he has nothing to write about? That’s right he regurgitates all the previously abandoned nonsense that he originally and rightly thought it better not to publish. And so it’s with deep apologies that I carry on the movies trend started in this post (which has had very few hits anyway). Yes it’s the movies that either didn’t fit a horror trend or I just thought weren’t that funny. Plus some new ones inspired by Berryz Koubou’s Alo-Hello dvd. And so Morningtime is not proud to present some more H!P movies…

Il Buono, il Berryzo, il C-uteo. Two groups race to find the treasure buried in a beach in Hawaii. However there are double-crossers at work. Who are the Berryz and C-ute members planning to deceive their band-mates and steal the gold together? It’s Buono obviously. That’s all rendered irrelevant in the bloody final scenes when it turns out that there is no gold. It was all a joke dreamt up by H!P’s management. Instead they’ve buried a mass-murderer and given him enough oxygen to survive until rescue comes. Watch from five different camera angles and in slow-motion as Momoko cries with fright and everyone runs for their lives.

Ayaliens. Touching down on the the alien planet of Mat-Suur-A the crew of the Momusu 9 are unaware of the danger they are in. But once the terror starts the reality hits home. The Ayaliens are here and they could destroy humanity if they manage to get to earth. Contains singing and dancing that may be unsuitable for those of a nervous disposition.

Airiplane! Airibus flight number 4121994 is heading to Hawaii. Berryz Koubou are taking a vacation with some photographers, a mass murderer and Leslie Neilson. However disaster strikes. The pilot and co-pilot (Suzuki Airi and Sugaya Risako) ate the fish and it had been cooked! Can anybody fly the plane? Will the Berryz make it to Hawaii or will the H!P managements plans to terrorise them into a nervous breakdown be shot down in flames? A raucous comedy.

There’s Something About Miyabi. Three men (Maasa Sudou, Makoto Ogawa and Saki Shimizu) fight for the love of one girl in this bad-taste comedy.

Citizen Kanna. “Rosary”. Just what is the significance of that word? This film tells the story of one young woman who had it all then disappeared into obscurity. At the end of the film it turns out that RoseAiri was the name of her sledge which she liked to ride a lot in her younger days.

The Hawaii Chainsaw Massacre starring Berryz Koubou. This documentary follows Berryz Koubou on their infamous vacation to Hawaii. Little did they know the production team had planned a surprise or two. Co-starring Leatherface, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers (not the Austin Powers one, the other one. You know, the one who is funnier).

Once Upon A Time In The East. A slow moving and intense look at the inevitable progress of the idol industry in Japan. Can Yuko, Kaori and Nacchi keep Momusu at the top and retain the dancing rights at H!P live shows or will Maimi and Shimizu railroad them? Contains a visually entertaining shoot-out at a railway station five minutes in. Aya steps off a train and gets shot by Maimi and Shimizu. The scene lasts for 30 minutes and mainly contains gunshots. Some say this is unacceptable violence with little reasoning. Others say it’s a metaphor for the bloody nature of the idol industry. I just say it’s funny.

Jaws. Is it a shark? No it’s just Reina eating. This would be a quite short movie if it wasn’t Japanese. As it is it comes in at just over five hours in length as the impossibly skinny Reina eats a five course meal. It would be a lot quicker to eat if she didn’t keep doing that head rolling thing after every bite. Seriously though her mouth…big teeth.

The Godmother. The story of the Yankii family (Yuko and her daughters Reina and Fujimoto) a crime mob controlling idols in Japan and their escalating war with the infamous AKB family. Neice Takahashi urges peace but following the revelation that Aya sleeps with the fishes an all-out bloodbath ensues. Two sequels are planned. The second one will be terrible but at least the first one should be quite good.

Fright Club. Berryz Koubou are sent on vacation. They think they are going to Hawaii but really they are going to HELL. Those crazy producers. What will they think of next? Contains scenes of violence and gore. Oh and idols crying in terror.

Lost in Translation. Takahashi Ai stays in a hotel in England and not a lot happens but the critics will love it. While in England she meets Chris Evans and is forced to appear on a terrible tv show with him. She is also forced to sing karaoke to a pub full of drunks. Then there’s still another hour left where not much happens. Takahashi sits around, has chance meetings with other Japanese people and then the film ends. A deep and meaningful film about the dangers of giving the daughter of a famous director money to make a film. Directed by France’s Ford Mustang.

Taxi Driver. ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME? Berryz Koubou don’t know how to react when their Hawaiian taxi driver suddenly pulls a gun and starts shouting. Filmed from 27 different camera angles including a super slo-mo camera so you can really see the tears falling down Momoko’s face in great detail.

Trainspotting. A documentary from the makers of Yorosen in which Michishige Sayumi pretends to like trains for an hour and a half as though that would be interesting in some way.

Duck Soup. A documentary showing the whole of H!P eating some Duck Soup. Three hours of spoon action. The number 1 film in Japan for 18 straight months. Soon to be a spin-off tv series called H!P-Hot dishes.

The Breakfast Club. See above.

Picnic at Hanging Rock. See above.

Snow White and the Seven Vertically Challenged People. A traditional retelling of the classic fairytale. Starring Kumai Yurina as Snow White with Aya as the evil Queen. The vertically challenged are Doc (Shimizu), Happy (Momoko), Bashful (Takahashi), Sneezy (Linlin), Sleepy (Yaguchi), Grumpy (Chisato) and Dopey (Tsuji). The Prince is played by Yoshizawa Hitomi.

Battle Royale. A documentary in which Berryz Koubou are sent to a deserted island and given backpacks full of weapons. Only one can come out alive.

Roman Holiday. A documentary about Kago Ai and the dangers of joining an idol group when you won’t take a holiday from roman.

I can only apologise. Sometimes it really is best not to go there. Although to be honest if they remade Battle Royale with H!P members I’d buy it. As long as it wasn’t real obviously. If it was real I reckon Hagiwara Mai would be the one to watch. She’s probably sick of being one of the youngest. Rat-a-tat-a-tat. “Take that you bitches”. Sometimes it’s the ones you least suspect. Oh and Maasa too. I don’t think she’d fcuk about somehow.

Ah…H!P movies..

Dan

28 responses to “Odds and Ayas

  1. When I put a link to an earlier post in I knew it’d do that pingback comment thing. I was going to delete it but…why is the picture different? Look at it. It’s Yaguchi putting two fingers up. What? Spooky. How did that happen? I guess she didn’t like being called Sleepy. Well her blog has loads of late night or early morning sleepy pics. I mean I’m very sorry obviously. I’m also very confused!

  2. Holy crap,This was hilarious morningtime.
    Out of all of the movies,I would so see the godmother because of its amazing plot and the fact that akb48 is in it!

  3. AKB48 would put me off. But I seem to be alone on that one. Personally I’d like to see Battle Royale. Mainly just to see who stays nice and who turns evil.:P I reckon Lovely would stay lovely but people should stay well away from Mitsui. Reina would be quite cunning too though.

    Hmm…or maybe Airiplane. I think it’s time for a H!P comedy.

  4. AKB48 Dosen’t put me off at all since I’m a huge fan of the group besides Momusu,Plus my favorite member is Harunyan.

  5. lawl. Airiplane.

    i love that film anyway so that’d be doubly funny. 😄

    “i am serious and stop calling me Saki” 😄

  6. plus: that’s anothing thing that always was good on Hello! Morning: the skits. they were always so funny. the ones where yossie was the exchange student were hilarious and Hi-tsuji always made me laugh. hahahahaha. the earlier skits were better while it was still called “until the bus comes”. ><

  7. Until the Bus comes had it’s moments. Plus some of the members looked great. Yuko as the sexy teacher, Yaguchi with blonde hair and Yossie had her hair looking really cute, like in pigtails or bunches or whatever. Oh and Rika’s crying each week gave her a chance to shine. It started going downhill when Yasuda started playing the young girl though.

    In later skits I always liked Yui the best. She was always funny. Especially as the little match girl or the volleyball player. Oh but like I said in the post, Rika as the poor wife of Yossie’s character was strangely attractive. Well you can’t hide Rika’s beauty.

    Some of the later skits were poor though. The whole fairytale world thing was dull. Miki’s pigeon was so funny mind you. I think that pigeon was some of her best work.

    My favourite skit is the one where Yaguchi and Sayumi are dogs. I think it’s only my favourite because Sayumi is so cute and Yaguchi so funny barking at Yuko.

  8. lol!
    the poor husband and wife was really good yeah.
    the 2004 new year’s special was excellent.
    Yossie takes her shoes off and all i can think of at that point is how pretty her feet are.
    and i hate feet so that’s a compliment.
    lol Rika and her panda eyes/bad hair day/bad breath was always funny. 😄
    Granny Yasuda was always entertaining in the first lot of skits. *nod* it sucks that yossie got the cranky old woman in the later skits though. she’d have been better as something else. but she was funny.
    lol “i’m a pigeon poh-poh”

    also, i loved it that the staff found it funny and that half of it wasn’t rehursed enough so the members all found it funny too. watching them giggling at someone else doing something stupid with a dead pan expression really made me giggle.

  9. Oh yeah. I always loved it when someone cracked up on screen. There were so many times when Yuko would crack up. Or when Yuko and Yaguchi played the police officers (Yaguchi a police officer? No height restriction in Japan then? 😛 ) They’d both start crying with laughter at someone else. There was a liveliness to it all. There’s one I’ve seen subbed where Maki comes on as an Exorcist priest with a bald head and Yuko and Yaguchi could barely look at her. You sensed they were all having fun doing the show and that vibe leapt off the screen.

  10. I prefer the earlier Bus skits, but special mention has to go to Makoto. Yuko could barely manage to look at her in her “old man” guise without cracking up. And Kei Granny rules!!! 😀

    Side Note: On the contrary, I think it’s fascinating that V-u-den’s Nanni mo Iwazu ni I Love You is the last song you want to hear before you die. I often think about strange things like this, and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one… 🙂

  11. Oh, and “Ai-chun” from the bird skits was just adorable…

    “No-chun! No-chun!” *shakes head insistently*

    Bless her little feathered heart! 🙂

  12. Was Ai-chun Takahashi’s little chick thing in those Maki and Yossie skits? The one with Yossie’s evil crow? Lovely plays cute so well. Well I say “play” but really there’s no playing involved. She just is cute.

  13. YES!
    Yossie as the crow was amazing. 😄

    all this old H!P TV is making me want to watch Koinu dan no monogatari. 😄

  14. *Sobs*

    Childhood friendships are so precious.

    *Sobs*

    She learned something that day. There are people who need you.

    *Sobs*

    The star of the show was so cute. So cuddly. Konno hasn’t changed a bit since then. She’s still cute and cuddly.

    *Sobs*

    Kaori’s acting really touched me. God it was bad.

    *Sobs*

    Rika has always been absolutely gorgeous hasn’t she?

    Oh and that shoplifting bit where Nacchi said she was caught once but it was a long time ago now, was that a veiled reference to her plagiarism charges? 😛

  15. no idea.
    i loved recognising all the kids. ><
    i think Miaha is one of the girls who asks Saki what she has in the box at school…..

  16. silly comments section.

    Erika, Maimi, Chinami and Miyabi are all in the bad girl group. ><

    Chisato was Saki's little sister

    the girl who rescues Momo's shoes is Megumi

    right near the end when they're making the house for dan, Yurina and Maiha appear.

    but i don't remember seeing Nakki…..
    maybe she's the girl who's friends with chisato at the end?

    Ai is the only member of the 4th gen that doesn't make an appearance huh?

    Nacchi's acting is a bit sugary sweet…..

  17. Nacchi is damn loveable in it though. Sugary or not.

    Yeah I wondered where Lovely was. At least Konno was there though.

    I demand more H!P movies. They haven’t made any in ages.

  18. ah but she was in the ending credit song Gannbache or whatever it’s called….. the PV for it i mean.
    false advertising much? ><

    H!P SO need to do another movie! enough with the musicals!
    was watching Hotaru no Hoshi and Risako was pretty good!! there were a few movies made around that time.

    Pinch Runner is still my favourite next to Tokeakko though.

  19. Ah Kooky both films were made in 2002 so I guess you are right. Plus of course it also explains why there’s no Yaguchi, Tsuji or Kago.

    Hexi I agree. Another H!P movie is long overdue.

  20. The Koinu dan no Monogatari ISO has just been put up on Hello!Online’s tracker by a strange coincidence. So I pinched the back cover picture of all the members names and put it in the bottom of this post. They all look so different. Except Momoko. hasn’t really changed all that much. Well she’s still small anyway.

  21. the kids who change most i think are Maimi, Miyabi and Chinami… and Mai….
    Chinami used to be such a goofy looking kid. now she’s glorious.

    but then again, Konkon used to be really weird looking and she’s pretty damn cute now so….. 😄

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