I’ve been struggling to find things to write about recently. I mean sure I get odd little thoughts like “is it wrong to fancy Rika Ishikawa when she’s playing the poor wife in those old Hello!Morning skits?” I’m not sure of the answer but god she’s strangely sexy. But that’s hardly worth a post all of it’s own. Also thinking that C-ute’s next single is their worst ever doesn’t really inspire me to put pen to paper (well fingers to keyboard but you get my drift). Not even if the pv does feature legs. Also the thought that Biyuden’s version of Nanni mo Iwazu ni I Love You is perfect in every way and that I’d probably like it to be the last song I listen to before I die is hardly of interest to anyone. Plus Lovely’s pb still hasn’t come from Yesyou’llgetiteventuallyifyoudon’tmindwaitingAsia so I can’t even drool over my laptop screen while talking of it’s good points. So what does a blogger do when he has nothing to write about? That’s right he regurgitates all the previously abandoned nonsense that he originally and rightly thought it better not to publish. And so it’s with deep apologies that I carry on the movies trend started in this post (which has had very few hits anyway). Yes it’s the movies that either didn’t fit a horror trend or I just thought weren’t that funny. Plus some new ones inspired by Berryz Koubou’s Alo-Hello dvd. And so Morningtime is not proud to present some more H!P movies…
Il Buono, il Berryzo, il C-uteo. Two groups race to find the treasure buried in a beach in Hawaii. However there are double-crossers at work. Who are the Berryz and C-ute members planning to deceive their band-mates and steal the gold together? It’s Buono obviously. That’s all rendered irrelevant in the bloody final scenes when it turns out that there is no gold. It was all a joke dreamt up by H!P’s management. Instead they’ve buried a mass-murderer and given him enough oxygen to survive until rescue comes. Watch from five different camera angles and in slow-motion as Momoko cries with fright and everyone runs for their lives.
Ayaliens. Touching down on the the alien planet of Mat-Suur-A the crew of the Momusu 9 are unaware of the danger they are in. But once the terror starts the reality hits home. The Ayaliens are here and they could destroy humanity if they manage to get to earth. Contains singing and dancing that may be unsuitable for those of a nervous disposition.
Airiplane! Airibus flight number 4121994 is heading to Hawaii. Berryz Koubou are taking a vacation with some photographers, a mass murderer and Leslie Neilson. However disaster strikes. The pilot and co-pilot (Suzuki Airi and Sugaya Risako) ate the fish and it had been cooked! Can anybody fly the plane? Will the Berryz make it to Hawaii or will the H!P managements plans to terrorise them into a nervous breakdown be shot down in flames? A raucous comedy.
There’s Something About Miyabi. Three men (Maasa Sudou, Makoto Ogawa and Saki Shimizu) fight for the love of one girl in this bad-taste comedy.
Citizen Kanna. “Rosary”. Just what is the significance of that word? This film tells the story of one young woman who had it all then disappeared into obscurity. At the end of the film it turns out that RoseAiri was the name of her sledge which she liked to ride a lot in her younger days.
The Hawaii Chainsaw Massacre starring Berryz Koubou. This documentary follows Berryz Koubou on their infamous vacation to Hawaii. Little did they know the production team had planned a surprise or two. Co-starring Leatherface, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers (not the Austin Powers one, the other one. You know, the one who is funnier).
Once Upon A Time In The East. A slow moving and intense look at the inevitable progress of the idol industry in Japan. Can Yuko, Kaori and Nacchi keep Momusu at the top and retain the dancing rights at H!P live shows or will Maimi and Shimizu railroad them? Contains a visually entertaining shoot-out at a railway station five minutes in. Aya steps off a train and gets shot by Maimi and Shimizu. The scene lasts for 30 minutes and mainly contains gunshots. Some say this is unacceptable violence with little reasoning. Others say it’s a metaphor for the bloody nature of the idol industry. I just say it’s funny.
Jaws. Is it a shark? No it’s just Reina eating. This would be a quite short movie if it wasn’t Japanese. As it is it comes in at just over five hours in length as the impossibly skinny Reina eats a five course meal. It would be a lot quicker to eat if she didn’t keep doing that head rolling thing after every bite. Seriously though her mouth…big teeth.
The Godmother. The story of the Yankii family (Yuko and her daughters Reina and Fujimoto) a crime mob controlling idols in Japan and their escalating war with the infamous AKB family. Neice Takahashi urges peace but following the revelation that Aya sleeps with the fishes an all-out bloodbath ensues. Two sequels are planned. The second one will be terrible but at least the first one should be quite good.
Fright Club. Berryz Koubou are sent on vacation. They think they are going to Hawaii but really they are going to HELL. Those crazy producers. What will they think of next? Contains scenes of violence and gore. Oh and idols crying in terror.
Lost in Translation. Takahashi Ai stays in a hotel in England and not a lot happens but the critics will love it. While in England she meets Chris Evans and is forced to appear on a terrible tv show with him. She is also forced to sing karaoke to a pub full of drunks. Then there’s still another hour left where not much happens. Takahashi sits around, has chance meetings with other Japanese people and then the film ends. A deep and meaningful film about the dangers of giving the daughter of a famous director money to make a film. Directed by France’s Ford Mustang.
Taxi Driver. ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME? Berryz Koubou don’t know how to react when their Hawaiian taxi driver suddenly pulls a gun and starts shouting. Filmed from 27 different camera angles including a super slo-mo camera so you can really see the tears falling down Momoko’s face in great detail.
Trainspotting. A documentary from the makers of Yorosen in which Michishige Sayumi pretends to like trains for an hour and a half as though that would be interesting in some way.
Duck Soup. A documentary showing the whole of H!P eating some Duck Soup. Three hours of spoon action. The number 1 film in Japan for 18 straight months. Soon to be a spin-off tv series called H!P-Hot dishes.
The Breakfast Club. See above.
Picnic at Hanging Rock. See above.
Snow White and the Seven Vertically Challenged People. A traditional retelling of the classic fairytale. Starring Kumai Yurina as Snow White with Aya as the evil Queen. The vertically challenged are Doc (Shimizu), Happy (Momoko), Bashful (Takahashi), Sneezy (Linlin), Sleepy (Yaguchi), Grumpy (Chisato) and Dopey (Tsuji). The Prince is played by Yoshizawa Hitomi.
Battle Royale. A documentary in which Berryz Koubou are sent to a deserted island and given backpacks full of weapons. Only one can come out alive.
Roman Holiday. A documentary about Kago Ai and the dangers of joining an idol group when you won’t take a holiday from roman.
I can only apologise. Sometimes it really is best not to go there. Although to be honest if they remade Battle Royale with H!P members I’d buy it. As long as it wasn’t real obviously. If it was real I reckon Hagiwara Mai would be the one to watch. She’s probably sick of being one of the youngest. Rat-a-tat-a-tat. “Take that you bitches”. Sometimes it’s the ones you least suspect. Oh and Maasa too. I don’t think she’d fcuk about somehow.