As some of you may have figured out by now I am a sarky bastard. Yes I have a sweet side and perversely I expect nothing short of innocent, sweet perfection and optimism from my favourite idols but even so I’m a git. So just as Half Man Half Biscuit responded to Ian Dury’s Reasons to be Cheerful part 3 with their own Reasons to be Miserable part 10 I thought I’d respond to the Wotaku Now 6 Reasons to be cheerful post with my own 6 Reasons to be Miserable post. You see I can’t stand happy people. Look at them always smiling. Why? What’s so wonderful? Bobby McFerrin did that Don’t Worry, Be Happy song but what’s happened to him since? He’s probably on the streets begging for change. The video for the song had Robin Williams in it. A comedian who hasn’t done anything funny since Mork & Mindy. That’s tragic. And the other guy looked like Christopher Reeve but actually wasn’t him. But if it had have been him this point would have been even more salient. Well regardless (seriously I only just found out it wasn’t Christopher Reeve. It was some guy called Bill Irwin. Who knew?) here are my 6 H!P reasons to be miserable.
1. Morning Musume.
Okay WTF? I hear you cry. But seriously. They haven’t done a decent single since they got all yes nude. Also Ai-chan is the star and she is 23. I want her to stay for about another lifetime but really facts need facing and they are that by idol standards she is getting on. I don’t care but others do. After she’s gone that just leaves Reina, Linlin and Niigaki as good singers. However Niigaki is never used and Linlin is boring and not particulary attractive. Koharu is leaving. Mitsui isn’t. Eri has all the personality of a wet fish. Sayumi has started to become a freak 20 year old child. Only Junjun is entertaining on tv. Things look bleak. I find nothing to smile about. Also the bright colours for their new tour make me vomit.
2. 70’s shit.
Can Tsunku please stop covering horribly dated old pop tunes? It’s embarrassing. Sure the skirts are great but the sound of their “uhuus” and the overly girly dance is cringe inducing. At a time when female idols are arguably less relevant than ever and young females want stronger role models wtf is he thinking? No wonder H!P concert tickets are only available to the over 45’s.
3. Mysterious Disappearances.
Okada Yui had a lot of front but now we’ve seen the back of her. Erika Miyoshi now dresses like…
But we don’t get to see it! Meanwhile in 2007 a crack idol unit was sent to the lower reaches of the Japanese charts showing a promise to which H!P did not commit. Promptly escaping a maximum security H!P prison they went on the run. Today they exist as singers of fortune. If you have a space on a panel show of some sort, or if you have a Youtube channel that needs fronting, and no one else can help, and if you can find them, then maybe you can hire some of the OG Team.
4. Berryz Koubou.
20 singles (21 if you count the last one as a double A-side). Of those singles only Piriri to Yuko, Dschinghis Khan, Dakishimete Dakishimete and perhaps Madayade and Seishun Bus Guide were any good. Yet they are really popular. Why? Oh sure Momoko is really funny and Miyabi, Chinami and Yurina aren’t exactly bad looking. I’ll also admit I have a real fondness for Captain but even so musically they fail. Oh and Maasa just looks grumpy. Plus she was the first to run away during that guy hiding in the van moment in Hawaii. She should have taken a hit for the team if she wanted to live up to her reputation. Oh and Risako is nothing special. There I said it. Blasphemy huh?
5. C-ute’s Bye Bye Bye! pv still not subbed?
Come on it’s their best single after Forever Love. Also they look effing gorgeous. Yet not one subbing group seems to have subbed it yet. Where is the logic? Why do people still not see the absolute greatness of this group? I mean there have even been Aya Matsuura subs made since this pv came out. That’s just sick.
6. This blog.
I mean really. What’s the point of it? It’s just sarcastic nonsense. It’s badly thought out, makes obvious puns and absolutely refuses to move to other sites every five minutes unlike most other blogs. Plus it moans all the time. How depressing…