Morningpedia Presents: The A-Z of H!P Part 3 – C-ute

Continuing my out of date before they’ve even been posted series of posts looking at the currently active at time of writing but not necessarily at time of posting Hello! Project members, (pause for breath) here I present to you C-ute.

C-ute


C-ute is a Japanese pop group made up of win (and Hagiwara Mai). It was made up of seven members of the Hello! Project Kids plus Kanna Arihara (a preteen lesbian with bad feet). Their debut single Inappropriate Thrusting Blue Jeans was released on 6th May 2006 and debuted in the number 1 spot in the coveted Jpop Loli chart.

Members

Yajima Maimi


Yajima Maimi (矢島舞美) is a Japanese Super-Idol, singer, actress, athlete and member of Hello! Project group of win C-ute.

Nicknames: Maimi , Maimiii, Maaaiimiiiiii, Miitan, Shorts, Hot Legs, Squint Smile.

History

Maimi was created on February 7th 1992 in a laboratory by increasingly insane musical genius Tsunku. He’d hit upon the idea of creating a genetically modified super-idol as part of his masterplan of total idol dominance. Maimi was put into the group ZYX before later joining C-ute where she quickly became leader due to her ability to look shit hot in short shorts. Maimi then went on to release a duet with old Morning Musume ex-member Natsumi Abe. The single entitled ’16 and Cuter Than You’ was released on 16th January 2008 and reached number 7 in the Japanese Idol chart and number 46 on the Japanese Granny chart. Maimi then appeared in a horror movie alongside fellow Hello! Project member Fukuda Kago. The movie Idol Ghostbusters has so far failed to spawn any sequels, cartoon series or computer games.

Future

Maimi continued as leader of C-ute until C-ute split up in May 2016 after celebrating their tenth anniversary with their 12th consecutive million-selling number one single. Maimi then went on to win Gold in the ladies 100 metres, 200 metres, triple-jump, heptathlon and the pole vault at the 2016 Olympics in Brazil. She was also due to compete in several gymnastic events but pulled out as it wouldn’t be sporting to win any more golds. Give someone else a chance and all that.

Nakajima Saki


Nakajima Saki (中島早貴) is a Japanese idol, singer, model, sweetheart, holder of the Guinness World Record for Most Kawaii Japanese Person and former loli. She is part of the Hello! Project ‘perfection unit plus 1’ C-ute.

Nicknames: Nakkii, Nacky, Nacky-chan, Nakitty, Nakitty-chan, Big-Gob, Squeeky.

History

Nakajima Saki was born on February 5th 1994 to a chorus of singing angels. She grew up in Heaven and was sent to Earth to become a member of the Hello! Project Kids. From there she went on to join C-ute and it was upon first seeing her face and hearing her voice that Tsunku hit upon the name of said unit. Nacky went on to become a vital member and took on most MC roles in concerts and dvd magazines. She also released one photobook that was so blindingly wonderful that Tsunku took the decision to not release any further photobooks in case it damaged the sales of other members books. The theory being that once you’ve seen Nacky you’ll never want to look at another idol again.

Future

Nacky stayed in C-ute as the unofficial sub-leader until they disbanded. She then went to live with Mr and Mrs Morningtime where she worked as their nanny and herself bore several children. She always refused to name the father. Nacky was crowned Miss Kawaii seven years running from 2012 to 2018.

Suzuki Airi


Suzuki Airi (鈴木愛理) is a Japanese singer, idol and middle-aged men’s lust-object. She is a member of two of the greatest groups in musical history, C-ute and Buono.

Nicknames: Airiin, Osuzu, Airi, Snaggle-Teeth, Dracula.

History

Suzuki Airi was born on April 12th 1994 on a golf course between the 16th and 17th holes. Despite this she is really crap at golf as seen in her solo dvd Airi’s Classic (which shows Airi playing 18 holes of mini-golf. The dvd comes in at just over 7 hours from first hole to last). She joined Hello! Project as one of the H!P Kids and was then put into C-ute where she was known as ‘the one who can sing. No I mean REALLY sing’. She was also chosen to be one of the three members of idol supergroup Buono alongside Tsugunaga Momoko and Natsuyaki Miyabi.

Future

Airi left C-ute upon their disbandment and went on to a successful solo career spanning 15 solo albums over 27 years and 227 singles over the same period (each of which was available in 5 different versions, four of which came with a dvd showing different versions of the pv. There was also a single V for each single showing another three versions of the pv).

Okai Chisato


Okai Chisato (岡井千聖) is an EXCEPTIONALLY UNDERRATED Japanese singer, idol, tomboy and beauty who joined Hello! Project as a H!P Kid. Chisato was then put into C-ute where she fulfilled the role of ‘the one who doesn’t look much now but just you wait a few years’.

Nicknames: Chisato, Chippe, Chissaa, The Scottish Lass (och aye), Maimi’s Boyfriend, Chunky Thighs.

History

Chisato was born June 21st 1994 and is the oldest of two great idol sisters. During her first five years in C-ute she made 12 photobooks but only in her mind. She quickly established herself as the best singer a group could ever not use enough. She also played Maimi’s boyfriend in the pv to Buono’s Honto no Jibun. A role which won her several plaudits amongst butch lesbians.

Future

During 2011 Chisato suddenly shot into the public spotlight following an internet campaign to FINALLY GIVE HER A SODDING PHOTOBOOK AND SOME LINES TSUNKU YOU COMPLETE GIT. The by this stage INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE, SPIRITED AND TALENTED IDOL finally got given a photobook which then went on to be the best-selling u-18 pb of the decade. She then got the major vocal part in Double-Shock!, (the sequel to Shock! and C-ute’s best-selling single ever). From there Chisato went on to be given a highly successful solo career alongside her C-ute duties. In 2012 she was named the Beautiful Tomboy of the Year by Up To TomBoy magazine. Chisato eventually retired from the entertainment business in 2018 and became her sister Asuna’s manager. Asuna herself went on to achieve great success following her graduation from Morning Musume (thereby being the last member of the 9th generation to leave).

Hagiwara Mai


Hagiwara Mai (萩原舞) is a Japanese bobble-head and backing singer/dancer with the Hello! Project idol group C-ute. She’s there to make the others look even more attractive than they already are (something some say is a bit pointless given how attractive the other members are anyway).

Nicknames: Maimai, Hagitty, Haggy, Hag, Mitsui’s Twin, Mai-chan, Bobble-Head, Alien, Kif.

History

Bobble-Head was created on February 7th 1996 by the Japanese toy company Hasbro. Several years later she was given to Tsunku as a joke gift by That Makoto Bloke but Tsunku during one of his many insane moments decided to put her into the Hello! Project Kids so that the other kids would have something to play with. She then spent the next five years as a backing dancer and occasionally singer but was mainly known as ‘the one in C-ute who isn’t actually cute’. Her first photobook was released on October 10th 2009 just in time for Halloween.

Future

Haggy continued to perform backing duties for C-ute until she suddenly left during summer 2011. The official reason given was that she had a rare face condition that made her look retarded. She went on to hold the world record for largest forehead until a Mr. Tefal-Scientist beat her in July 2033.

5 responses to “Morningpedia Presents: The A-Z of H!P Part 3 – C-ute

  1. wow you really can predict the future… you forgot to mention how the c-ute quartet (minus mai by that time) won the 4x100m gold for japan in those 2016 olympic games in brazil

    • I was keeping that one to myself so I could bet on it at long odds and make a fortune. Who’d have thought they’d beat the previously all-conquering South Korean SNSD 100 metres runners?

      • i know, who’d have thought eh! those koreans would win it so convincingly in 2012 that no one would’ve imagined japan could field a team worthy of beating them. it would even inspire bolt to marry a korean singer and go on to prosper in the k-pop scene in a boyband to be cheesily named “grease lightning”.

        btw sorry if i ruined your hopes of a decent future payout from the bookies… i’ll give you the lottery numbers for that week instead then… yes i too have a crystal ball ;-P

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