Eight Run Away And Go Adventuring On A Hike Together At Tsunkucock Hill In A Campervan And Get Into Trouble

I’d been trying to write a sequel to Eight Go Mad on Tsunku’s Island for ages but it had been hard going. Even so I liked part of what I had written and so didn’t want to waste it. However I have to say I don’t think it stands up to Tsunku’s Island. But nevertheless I present my second fanfic to you here. It is what it is. A story that doesn’t really go anywhere and ends rather abruptly. >.>

Oh and in case you are wondering about the title you should check out this link. Enid Blyton really did come out with some dreadfully bland titles for the Famous Five books!

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Eight Run Away And Go Adventuring On A Hike Together At Tsunkucock Hill In A Campervan And Get Into Trouble

Junjun: Is this the fucking best we could do?

Niigaki: What do you mean is this the fucking best we could do? Hey it was your idea to have one last trip together before you two losers are extradited back to China and Eri goes to get her ‘health’ problem sorted out…you fucking panda.

Junjun: Yeah well I thought maybe we could go ON A PLANE somewhere. Maybe somewhere sunny. Travelling by campervan to Tsunkucock Hill to camp in tents isn’t my idea of fun.

Eri: Could you two stop arguing all the time. Being in Japan’s best-selling girl group of all time doesn’t mean we actually have any money. Anyway it doesn’t matter where we are going or how we get there. What matters is that we are all together. It’s the company that counts.

Linlin: Yes. Why not just borrow Sayumi’s mirror, look in it, smile and say “I am happy today”!

Niigaki: Why not.

Linlin: Why not what?

Niigaki: No. I mean why not. Why not. Why just not bother doing that at all because it’s fucking retarded.

Linlin: Well there’s no need to be so rude.

Ai-chan: Why campervan small size?

Reina: Because record sales small size. Now nobody look I’m getting changed.

Junjun: (Happily) GREAT!

Niigaki: Again? You got changed when we set off on this journey.

Reina: Yes but those clothes seem out of fashion now and I must keep up.

Niigaki: We only set off half an hour ago and besides you’re only going to change from one skirt and boots combo to another.

Reina: Well I don’t like to be seen wearing the same clothes twice. What if the wotas that waved us off are waiting at the other end?

Niigaki: Well that’s not likely. We told our management we were going to a health spa in the north and we left the company hq, went to the train station and climbed out the back way through a window to our campervan and took off in that. So nobody knows where we are. Not even our managemeBUDDHA!

The campervan swerves suddenly, throwing the passengers in the back wildly back and forth.

Niigaki: Sayumi for fucks sake learn how to drive.

Sayumi: Sorrrryyyy. I looked in the rear view mirror and took my eye off the road.

Eri: You’re only supposed to glance in it you know.

Sayumi: Ehhhhhh? But how could I check if I’m still cute?

Niigaki: Give us a breakBUDDHA!

Sayumi: Yes I’m still cute.

Eri: Sayumi…pull over.

**************************************************************

The campervan starts back on it’s travels  down the winding country lanes.

Sayumi: I don’t see why I’m not allowed to drive anymore.

Junjun: Yeah and I don’t see why I have to do the driving now?

Niigaki: You have to because Eri’s too lazy, Mitsui’s asleep…and a dog, Ai is too dumb and I’m too busy looking after her. Reina is too crazy, Linlin’s too pissed and Sayu too fucking self-satisfied and self-obsessed.

Linlin: (Happily) I’m not pissed?

General laughter all round

Eri: Yeah right. And I’m not suffering from a skin condition.

Linlin: Well that’s true.

Eri: No it’s not! I’ve been suffering from it for years!

Linlin: Yeah well I thought you were being kicked out for all those cover up’s involving boyfriends.

Eri: What cover-up’s? Shut up!

Niigaki: Don’t start you two.

Ai-chan: Don’t fight. I know! Let’s sing a song. (Singing) Hoppei de hopper hopp

Reina: (Interrupting) Let’s play cards instead. Anyone for poker?

Junjun: (Excitedly) Strip poker?

Reina: NO! Anyway you have to drive so you can’t play.

Junjun: Aww.

Linlin: I know! Let’s play the C-ute drinking game.

Everyone looks confused.

Linlin: Oh you know. You listen to the C-ute singles album and everytime you hear Maimi or Airi get a solo line you take a shot of Sake.

Eri: We’d all be pissed by the time we got on to the major label singles.

Linlin: I know! It’s a great game!

Nakajima Saki: Did someone mention my name?

Everyone looks round.

Reina: What the Hell!

Niigaki: Nacky! How did you get under that blanket? Also what the fuck do you think you’re doing?

Nacky: Well after doing the Fashionable stage play with you all I thought I could hang out with you guys some more. Bring some cuteness to your lives.

Sayumi: (Angrily) Cuteness? CUTENESS?

**************************************************************

 

The campervan starts off along the road again. The sack they left at the side of the road struggles and squirms.

Niigaki: Linlin have you got the blood of the floor yet?

Linlin: Not quite. Who’d have thought Sayumi had it in her?

Reina: It wasn’t Sayumi that had it in her. It was Nacky.

Linlin: You know what I mean. Who’d have thought Sayumi would be so violent.

Sayumi: (Washing blood off her hands and changing her bloodstained clothes) I’m not violent. I’m cute. (Cute but somewhat scary and evil smile).

Linlin: (Backing away) Yes. Yes you are. You’re cute. Yes.

Sayumi: (Happily) YAY!

Junjun: How much further? It’ll be going dark soon. If we don’t get there quickly we’ll have to spend the night in the campervan all squashed up together. It’ll be like sardines in here.

Niigaki: Yes. Err…that’d be terrible…oh take a right here.

Junjun: A right? But the satnav says straight on?

Niigaki: No it’s definitely right. I’ve been before.

**************************************************************

Reina: So we travelled for half an hour down that road and it was the wrong direction and now we won’t make it to Tsunkucock Hill before dark so now we have to stay the night cramped up in here together?

Niigaki: (Joyfully and not at all coincidentally with Ai sitting on her knee) Yes. Sorry about that. Oh well. Can’t be helped.

Junjun: Reina there’s space up front with me.

Reina: Oh no it’s okay I think Lin

Junjun: (Interrupting) MOVE YOUR CUTE LITTLE ARSE.

Reina: (Sighing) Oh fuck’s sake. Niigaki do I have to?

Niigaki: (Absent-mindedly while caressing Ai’s stomach) Huh? Oh…yeah…whatever.

Reina: (Moving to the front) Why do I always end up getting molested by Junjun?

Mitsui: Woof!

Linlin: Eri i don’t think Mitsui likes you using her body as a pillow.

Eri: I don’t think I care what you think Mitsui thinks. Go drink some more sake you alkie furball.

Linlin: I’m not an alkie. I’m just naturally happy. (Smiles)

**************************************************************

Daylight. A campervan pulls into a little off-road bit of gravel.

Niigaki. Right this is it. We can’t tarvel any further by vehicle so grab your stuff and lets go.

Reina: OW!

Niigaki: Junjun when I said grab your stuff I meant your belongings.

Reina: OW!

Niigaki: Junjun…just grab your bags.

Reina: OW!

Niigaki: JUNJUN! You know what I meant by bags!

Junjun: Funbags?

Niigaki: Give me strength.

Mitsui: Ooooow

Eri: Stop moaning.

Linlin: I don’t think Mitsui can fit you on her back alongside all your baggage.

Eri: I don’t think I care what you think Mitsui thinks.

Linlin: We’ve been through this once already. Anyway why can’t you just carry your own bags?

Eri: Well that’s something for a 22 year old to do and anyway I have a health problem.

Linlin: Yeah lazyfuckingitis.

Eri: No it’s not. My skin chafes something terrible so I can’t carry heavy luggage. Anyway at least I’m not an endagered species alcoholic.

Linlin: I’m not an alcoholic and I’m not a panda. I’m a human.

Eri: You’re still an endangered species.

Linlin: Why is that?

Eri: Because if you don’t shut the fuck up I’m going to take one of those bottles of sake, put some cloth in the top, light it and shove it up your ar

Reina: (Interrupting) ARRGHH!

Sayumi: (Still in the van, putting a mirror in a case full of different size mirrors) Is that Junjun again?

Reina: No. I just stood in some shit. Mitsui was that you?

Mitsui: (Whimper).

Ai-chan: Why is poo big size.

Niigaki: It wasn’t Mitsui. I think it’s a cowpat.

Sayumi: (Stepping out of the van with the case full of mirrors and a very small bag of clothes) No it’s not a cow, it’s shit…and don’t call me Pat. Ahahahahahaaa. Yes! I am cutely funny today too.

Niigaki: (Under her breath) Why am I with these fucktards?

Linlin: Can we set off now? Only Eri keeps poking me in the back with a stick and it’s starting to hurt.

Niigaki: Right come on then lets go.

Linlin: (setting off) OW! Stop it Flakey.

Eri: No. And why Flakey?

Linlin: Because your personality is fucking retarded and your skin is peeling off. OWWWW THAT REALLY HURT YOU BITCH!

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The eight arrive at a flat clearing towards the top of the hill. Down below on their right they can see the nearby village of Berryz-on-the-Kobo. To their left is a little stream and beyond that a large wooded area. Trees line the horizon all around them.

Niigaki: This looks like a great spot to camp. We can wash in the stream and can go to that village for supplies.

Reina: And freeze to death in the night. Why couldn’t we have just stayed in a motel or something? You know, somewhere with a warm bath and a comfy bed?

Niigaki: Because the eighth gen can’t afford it because our record sales have sucked since they joined.

Junjun: Hey that’s not our fault. It was Tsunku’s. He was doing it to disband us so he could move to AKB instead.

Linlin: Yes but at least he’s now dead so he can’t hurt us anymore.

Reina: Yes but our records still suck. Getting Makoto to do the writing and producing isn’t really helping.

Junjun: Well it’s better than when he did the styling. Gaki and Mitsui both looked fucking stupid with short hair. Oh wait they still have short hair. Ha!

Niigaki: I hope you like washing in the stream Junjun.

Junjun: Not really. Why?

Niigaki: Because when you fuck off back to China they don’t have baths there do they?

Junjun: Yes they do! Shut up!

Sayumi: (Sitting cross-legged) What’s that black thing?

Everyone looks around puzzled.

Reina: Where?

Sayumi: There on my cheek.

Eri: (Spotting the mirror glued on the side of Sayumi’s shoe) Fucks sake Sayu. Do you ever live in the real world? Or do you just live in the mirror?

Sayumi: Oh it’s okay. It’s just some soil on the mirror. Anyway the real world is boring. It’s not as cute as Sayumiworld.

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After putting up the tents the members light a fire and start cooking food.

Reina: I don’t see why we can’t just sleep in the campervan.

Niigaki: Well there’s not enough room for all of us and besides we came here to enjoy the mysterious Tsunkucock Hill.

Linlin: Where did it get that name?

Niigaki: Well legend has it that the Tsunkucock is a mystical creature with awesome powers to create idols just as long as you give it an offering. However it can also cause great harm if it doesn’t like what’s being offered. It’s rumoured that somewhere over in the woods is it’s home. Several wannabe idols have gone searching for this creature over the years. Rumour has it that back in the late 90’s Abe Natsumi went exploring there and that’s why she became such a great idol. Oh and Inaba Atsuko went too and that’s why she’s shit.

Reina: Nacchi a great idol?

Niigaki: Sorry I mean that’s why she became Momusu’s main singer.

Junjun: So presumably Ai-chan has been there too? Ai have you ever wondered why Tsunkucock is big sized? Ahahahahaha!

Niigaki: RAAAAAWWWRRRRRRR

Niigaki dives on Junjun. They wrestle. Ai-chan cries. She doesn’t like arguments. Reina laughs. She really likes arguments. Especially if they don’t involve her and she can just sit back and enjoy. Eri would like to split the fighters up but you know…breaking up fights is something for a 22 year old. Linlin would like to split them up but the commotion is the perfect diversion so she can polish off a bottle of sake. Sayumi would like to help just as soon as she’s finished checking her make-up in the mirror. So it’s just Mitsui who tries to help.

Mitsui: WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF GRR!

Mitsui runs around in circles while Junjun bashes Niigaki’s head against a rock.

Junjun: This is for all the panda insults. Nyaaaaaaa!

Finally Junjun sits back satisfied. Niigaki lies back dazed.

Junjun: So where was I? Oh yeah Ai-chan have you ever…

Junjun suddenly realises Ai-chan is gone.

Junjun: Where’s Ai?

Reina: I think she couldn’t take the arguing and fighting so she took off into the woods.

Eri: I suppose we should go after her then. I mean what would happen if she went missing?

Sayumi: We would all get more lines?

Everyone suddenly pauses and ponders the situation for a few moments.

Eri: Good point Sayu. Even so I’m leaving soon anyway and Niigaki’s just picked up a rather large and pointy stick and is aiming it at your head so I suggest we go and look for her.

Sayumi: (Hastily standing up) Good idea. Let’s go!

**************************************************************

The Momusu seven make their way through the woods desperately shouting Ai-chan’s name. There is no sign of her. Suddenly they come upon a strange creature sitting on a rock by a tree.

Momoko Tsugunaga: HI!

Reina: Shit.

Junjun: Shit.

Niigaki: Oh for fucks sake.

Linlin: Kawaii! Hi Momo-chan.

The others give Linlin evil glances.

Eri: (Whispering) Err…Linlin…if you get Momoko to hang around with us I’ll make sure you can never have children. Okay?

Momoko: Guys. Where are you going? Can I come? I was just doing some fishing.

Niigaki: Where? There’s no water here just plants and trees and insects and stuff.

Momoko: Yeah I was fly fishing.

Reina: (Under her breath) Can I punch her?

Sayumi: (Under her breath) Yes?

Niigaki: (Under her breath) Not right now but maybe in about another 30 seconds.

Reina: Oh good.

Niigaki: You haven’t seen Ai-chan have you Momo?

Momoko: Yes of course I have.

Niigaki: Oh thank Buddha. Where is she?

Momoko: Now?

Niigaki: Yes now.

Momoko: I’ve no idea. Isn’t she with you?

Niigaki: No. That’s why I’m asking if you’ve seen her.

Momoko: Oh right.

Pause.

Niigaki: Well?

Momoko: Well what?

Niigaki: WHERE DID YOU SEE AI-CHAN?

Momoko: Oh…at the concert last night and the night before that and the night before that and…

Nigaki: Okay Reina you can hit her now.

Reina: (Enthusiastically) GREAT!

**************************************************************

Leaving Momoko hanging from a tree branch upside down by her knickers (while still wearing them) the Momusu seven head back off through the woods. Mitsui running off in advance and sniffing around for a lead.

Niigaki: Anything Mitsui?

Mitsui: Aruuu.

Niigaki: Damn. Well keep sniffing.

Reina: Junjun Niigaki was talking to Mitsui.

Junjun: (With her face right by Reina’s hair) Oh…sorry.

Just then Linlin spots a strange cabin in the distance.

Linlin: Look over there.

Niigaki: Thank Buddha. That must be Tsunkucock’s lair.

Junjun: Finally. My feet are killing me.

Reina: Yes finally.

Sayumi: Yes at last.

Linlin: Yes I’m nearly out of Sake. (Hic)

Everyone turns and stares.

Linlin: What? (Swaying on her feet). What you looking at pal? You want to say something huh? Listen I’m fucking sick of you telling me what to do. Always putting me down. Well I’ve had enough. I’m leaving soon so for once you can show me some fucking respect or I’ll wipe that look off your face. You understand? I SAID DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

Eri: Err Linlin…that’s a tree. We’re all over here.

Linlin: (Turning away from the tree while leaning against it unsteadily with one arm) Oh…

Niigaki: Come on there’s no time to lose. Let’s get to the cabin.

Linlin: Yes let’s hope there’s some more sake there.

Sayumi: And a nice big mirror.

Reina: And a change of clothes. I’ve been wearing these for 30 minutes now.

Niigaki: Which since we’ve been traipsing around these woods for an hour is quite impressive.

Reina: A good fashionista is always prepared.

Linlin: BLEEEEEURGHHH.

Eri: Euuuuw Linlin just threw up over Mitsui.

Linlin: Sorry. It must have been something I ate.

Sayumi: More like something you drank.

Junjun: Or something you looked at.

Everyone turns around and looks at Junjun.

Reina: Huh?

Junjun: Well to be honest whenever I look at Mitsui I want to projectile vomit too.

Reina: Oh…oh yeah I see what you mean.

Mitsui: (Sadly) Aruu.

Niigaki: Mitsui you stink so you’ll have to stay outside.

Junjun: Can I tie her to a tree?

Niigaki: No just leave her there.

Junjun: Aww…can’t I take her to the canal…in a sack?

Niigaki: No. Now just come on!

Junjun: Okay. Mitsui you have to stay out here because you stink…as an idol. Also you’re covered in vomit.

Mitsui: Grr.

Junjun: DON’T YOU BARE YOUR FANGS AT ME! Did you see that? She’s vicious. She should be put down.

Niigaki: (At the entrance to the cabin with the others) Junjun just leave her there and come on.

**************************************************************

The Momusu six enter the cabin.

Niigaki: AI-CHAAAAN? YOU IN HERE?

Ai-Chan: HAI!

Ai-chan descends the stairs.

Niigaki: Oh thank god. Are you okay?

Ai-chan: (Half-way down the stairs) Hai. I just couldn’t take seeing you all fight. We should all be friends.

Niigaki: Aww come here! (Niigaki holds out her arms)

Ai-chan: (Still on the stairs)Wait I have a surprise for you. Guess who’s here? You’ll never guess!

Reina: Tsunku?

Junjun: Yeah Tsunku?

Sayumi: I’d say Tsunku as well.

Eri: And me.

Ai-chan: Aww how did you guess?

Eri: Well it’s hardly a big fucking surprise is it? I mean this place is called Tsunkucock Hill and that whole conversation earlier about Nacchi. I mean it’s not exactly a hugely amazing never-saw-that-coming twist is it?

Ai-chan: Aww. Anyway it turns out he’d been locked up here all along and the person Linlin killed was really an evil impostor…or something. Well it doesn’t really matter so moving on quickly he’s coming back to work with H!P so it’ll be just like old times.

Everyone cheers.

Niigaki: WOO! Now come here and give me a big hug.

Ai-chan: (Happily) Okay!

Reina: Err…Ai-chan?

Ai-chan: Yes?

Reina: You might want to wipe the spunk from your mouth first.

Ai-chan: Oh right yeah sorry. Oh hey Junjun it IS big-sized!

Niigaki: WAA?

THE END

>.>

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21 responses to “Eight Run Away And Go Adventuring On A Hike Together At Tsunkucock Hill In A Campervan And Get Into Trouble

  1. Thank you for making me smile and laugh for the first time today. 🙂 I especially like your Junjun and Linlin characters… so funny! Please don’t stop here! The 9th gen will probably bring you some new ideas.

    • Well I’m glad it made you smile! 🙂

      It’ll be interesting to see what the 9th gen will be like. I expect it will take a while before their personalities come out fully though.

  2. Yet again some real great stuff here MT =)
    You capture their personalities so well.

    Specially enjoy the Momo and Nacky parts =D

    Looking forward to some 9th gen action

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