So with the news Mitsui Aika is to appear in a documentary on her life…sorry I mean a horror movie I thought AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA. Then I calmed down a bit, laughed some more, calmed down again and eventually set about coming up with horror movies Mitsui can make if this one is a success. Therefore I present to you Morningtime’s Vault of Terror. A.K.A. The Mitsui Aika straight to DVD collection…
Stephen King’s MIT
A group of music and idol lovers worldwide are terrorised by a scary psychotic clown (Mitsui) in this mocumentary on the last four years of Morning Musume.
“Stephen King has shown he still has the power to shock. The character of Mitsui Aika must surely take her place amongst the most horrendous creations in literary and film history. Dracula, Norman Bates, Freddie Krueger and Mickey fucking Mouse are all friendly children’s party entertainers in comparison” – Empire magazine
We all live in a yellow submarine called the Momusu in this aquatic horror movie. Unfortunately the submarine is yellow because it reeks of the piss-poor performance of Mitswee Aika. Scream in terror as you realise that trapped 20,000 leagues beneath the AKB there is no escape.
“Weally tewwifying. A fwantic wace against the clock to save the future of the Momusu cwew before they sink without a twace” – Johnathan Ross (in a coffee shop to whoever will listen)
Newly wed sweethearts Eric Kamei and Takahashi Ai are driving to their honeymoon destination when they come upon a mysterious hitcher late at night in the pouring rain. Taking pity on this traveller our heroic couple offer her a lift. Death, destruction and ever-worsening record sales ensue. Contains scenes not suitable for those of a nervous disposition. As well as those Aika solo angle pv’s there’s also lots of scenes of violence too.
“THIS FILM IS AMAZING…probably. Although we haven’t actually seen it yet but we do like to get our magazine up in quotes on the poster and/or DVD cover” – Total Film magazine
It’s the 31st October and at the record company recording studio all the idols are gathered to record the new all-groups-together single Ai For One And All For Ai but there’s terror lurking in the dark corridors as this is the night SHE came home. Mitsui Maikas is back and horror is coming to Hellofield.
“I warned them. I told them of the horror unleashed on the idol community if she was ever released. But they wouldn’t listen. Now she’s loose and nothing can stop her.” – Professor Sam Loomis-Morningtime
“Shit your pants, edge of the toilet visual and audible terrors that will give you nightmares” – The Guardian
The Hair Witch Project
Berryz Koubou are camping in the woods with a camera crew. What’s behind the strange dolls with sticky up hair in the middle that keep appearing hanging from trees? Seven idols and two crew-members went into the woods never to be seen again. This documentary evidence unleashes the full horror of The Berryz witch onto an unsuspecting audience.
“It makes Carry on Camping look like a comedy” – Time Out
The Thing from Another World
Scientists working in the arctic stumble across a twisted, macabre figure buried beneath the ice. But the figure turns out to be alive and consumes the scientists one by one until almost the whole base is dressing like homeless Glaswegian meths addicts. Can the few remaining survivors find a cure before the rescue ship arrives or will the Thing reach civilisation and ruin the idol world forever?
“The scene with the dogs mating with Muttsei unaware of her true nature before becoming consumed by her utter inability to make a normal expression is one of the most terrifying psychological scenes of horror since Mitsui got a solo in a H!P concert” – The Happy Happy Sunday Observer
The final film to be released is Jaws.
Mitsui Aika stars in the title role in this Japanese remake of the Steven Spielberg blockbuster. As Swimmers start to go missing and reports that a grotesque creature with a huge forehead, scary mouth, awful voice and annoying personality is prowling the sea three hardened hunters (Nakazawa Yuko, Iida Kaori and Yoshizawa Hitomi) take to the waves to hunt down and kill the murderous beastie.
“Having seen this film I realise now that actually I’m an amateur when it comes to creating thrills and chills. Tsunku is the true master. So I am retiring immediately.” – Steven Spielberg