Okay so looking through my external hard drive I came across a fanfic I started but never finished. It was set around the time of Ai-chan’s (at that time upcoming) graduation. I added a bit and finished it. So here it is. Better late than never? Or better never than at all?
Interior. Riho’s bedroom. There’s a knock at the door and a head pokes through.
Suzuki Kanon: Hi Riho.
Riho: Hi Suzuki come in.
SK: Oh you have a cat now?
Riho: Yes. She followed me home after dance practice last night and now she won’t go away.
The cat rests it’s head on Riho’s lap.
SK: She’s very loving huh?
Riho: Yes she’s very touchy-feely.
The cat puts it’s paw on Riho’s chest.
SK: Sounds nice.
Riho: Uh…not really. She won’t leave me alone. Even when I had a bath last night she forced her way in and sat there watching me. At one stage she tried to join me in the bath. I thought cats didn’t like baths?
Cat: Nyan Nyan!
Riho: Also I woke up in the middle of the night and she was in bed with me.
Riho’s mum walks in.
RM: Oh Riho Niigaki just phoned. You are to go to the dance studio immediately. Everyone is meeting to discuss a graduation surprise for Ai-chan.
Riho: Okay mum. Lets go Suzuki!
Riho, SK and the cat arrive at the dance studio. Niigaki, Reina, Woof Woof and the other kyuukies are already there.
Niigaki: Come in. Right let’s get started. Basically we need to figure out what we are doing for Ai-Butt’s graduation party.
The cat sits on Riho’s knee
Erina: How about we take her to a fairground?
Niigaki: No. We need somehing special.
Reina: Err…excuse me…
SK: How about we put a banana in a pair of slippers and play hide and seek with the Moon?
Niigaki: Too weird as usual.
Reina: Err..can I say something?
Mitsui: Woof woof woof woof. Woof woof. Wooof wooof wooof wooof wooof wooof woof?
Niigaki: No that won’t work. She’d get suspicious at being driven out there in the first place.
Reina: EXCUSE ME!
Reina: I have a question I need to ask.
Niigaki (sighing): Sure. If you must.
Reina: Sayu…why are you dressed as a cat?
Sayu: Nyan nyan.
Riho: She followed me home yesterday and she won’t leave me alone.
Sayu (poking her chest) So soft. Nyan.
Niigaki: Well at least it makes a change from last week. You know where she tried to convince Ikuta she was a Sayumi-shaped blanket.
Reina: What do you mean tried?
Ikuta: I thought it was heavy for a blanket.
Niigaki: Aaaannnnnyway Ai-butt…
Mizuki: We could all chip in and get her some throat sweets. You know…because her voice must get sore since she gets all the fucking lines.
SK: We could lassoo a meringue and tie it to a coat hanger?
Reina: We could get Suzuki some tranquilisers.
SK: We could get Reina some condoms.
Reina: We could get Suzuki some bandages, plasters and a fucking ambulance.
SK: (hiding behind Eripon and using her as a human shield) I’m not scared of you. Just try hitting me.
Niigaki: Enough! This isn’t helping. Reina put down the chair. Suzuki put down Eripon.
Mitsui: Woof woof woof. Woof. Woof wooooof woof wooooof woof woof woof.
Sayumi: I agree.
Niigaki: Hmm…it’s not a bad idea but we can come up with better I’m sure.
Junjun: How about we bake her a nice cake?
Niigaki: Junjun will you please stop hanging around here. You were supposed to leave ages ago.
Junjun: (sadly) But I don’t wanna…
Riho: How about we write a song for her and perform it?
Mizuki: How about we don’t. We should do something all together. And I don’t mean backing dancing while you and Reina attempt to outshine each other at front and centre.
Just then a deep gravelly voice pipes up from the corner of the room. Nobody had noticed someone sitting in the shadows there so everyone jumps.
“HOW ABOUT WE MAKE HER A PHOTO ALBUM AND FILL IT WITH CHERISHED PICTURES?”
Niigaki: For Buddha’s sake Haruka I didn’t see you there. Anyway you aren’t even a proper member yet. Go play with the other newbies. I think Haruna is teaching Ayumi how to flick beans or something.
Haruka walks out dejectedly and somewhat boyishly.
Niigaki: Honestly that guy…
Niigaki: Sayumi…Riho is too small for you to sit on her shoulder. Also what kind of cat sits with her legs around the shoulders and her body in the persons face?
Sayumi: (giggling) A happy one?
SK: I KNOW!
Reina: Oh Jesus Christ here we go…
SK: WHY DON’T WE…FILL A BOAT WITH SHEEP AND FLING PARSNIPS AT THE CHOIR?
Niigaki: Okay…Reina you can pick up the chair again.
Reina: (gleefully) Great!
Reina moves towards Suzuki with the chair held menacingly over her head.
Niigaki: Actually that’s a surprisingly normal idea. Boring and predictable but hey it’s a H!P video. They are always boring and predictable. Reina put the chair down.
Sayumi: Should we just not speak on the video and have crap instrumental music playing instead?
Interior day. Ai-chan sits down and puts the mystery dvd in the drive while a camera films her. The video plays.
Niigaki: Ai-chan. You are graduating soon. You have been my best friend for the past ten years. Nobody else compares to you. Especially in bed. You have been a great leader. I will do my best to follow in your footsteps and lead with all my heart. Well for about five minutes. Then I’m off too. Honestly these new members are annoying. Anyway I have done the shopping and I’ve bought some Duracell batteries for our happy happy yum fun draw. See you later.
Ai-chan: (giggling) Heh. Can’t wait.
Sayumi: AI-CHAAAAAN! I love you so much. Please don’t leave. Every day I look at you and think to myself “ah how cute is Ai-chan again today. So pretty too!” It always makes me feel so happy to see that. After all I’m ichiban kawaii so the fact you are so cute must mean I’m REALLY cute. Ehe.
Ai-chan: Oh Sayu!
Reina: (speaking to someone off-camera) …so yeah in the end I managed to get the stains out my clothes but my knees were red raw and my my mouth was too. Oh is this thing on? Sorry. (Energetically and with a completely different tone of voice and personality) Ai-chan! Hi. So you will be leaving us soon. As you know Reina doesn’t do soppy messages. So see ya. Can’t wait to take all your lines. (Evil smile)
Ai-chan: Why is her ego big-sized?
Mitsui: Woof woof woof wooof woof. Woooooof wooof (whimper) woof woof. Woof. Woof woof wooooooof woof woof (whimper) woof woof woof wooof wooooooof wooof wooof wooof. Woof. Woof woof woof. (Whimper).
Ai-chan: (Wiping tears from her eyes with a handkerchief) Ah that’s so kind. I will miss you too.
Mizuki: Hi mum. Sorry I can’t make a long video for you right now. I have to make a video for Cry-chan’s graduation. As though I care. Anyway things are going well in the group. I had a backing line the other day and the secret breast implants seem to be getting me more noticed. Oh and nobody has figured out it’s me stealing the meals from the fridge yet. Anyway I’ll have to go. I need to think of some old bullshit to say for Ai-chan. Maybe something about looking up to her for years. Even though she’s a fucking midget. I love you. Bye.
Riho: (with an insincere toothless grin) Hi Ai. Ai hi. I will miss you when you are gone. I just hope I can step into your shoes and take all your lines before Reina does. I mean…err…I will miss your singing, your advice, your support and your leadership. Keep in touch. Text me. Yeah we’ll do lunch. Have your people call my people. Let’s check our diaries. It’s a date! (Insincere toothless grin).
Ikuta: So yeah. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say really. I asked the others for some advice and they just said say what comes from the heart. Well except Niigaki who said “don’t fuck this up and get the tone all wrong like you always do”. Well I’m not stupid. I know what the tone is supposed to be. So yeah. Anyway…fuck off. I never liked you. You had your clique and I had mine. You won’t be missed.
(Off-camera) Is that okay?
Ai-chan: Umm…wasn’t this supposed to be a soppy video full of lovely messages?
Suzuki Kanon: Hi Mai. So today I went fishing with Momoko and we caught three trout, two bass and the 1974 Brazilian national football team. It was nice. I couldn’t eat the whole team though. Momoko said we should do it again sometime except with soup tins instead of budgerigars. Oh and in the afternoon I went to lunch with Niigaki-san. Niigaki-san ate lots of ramen and I ate the tablecloth. It was delicious. Afterwards Niigaki-san said we should do it again sometime except not with each other. She’s nice.
Yesterday I played golf with Ikuta. It was fun. We are planning to do it again sometime. Ikuta says next time I should try using a golf club as it’s far more effective than a rubber duck called Nigel. I think I might ask Reina along next time. I think she must be really good at golf. Every golfer wants a hole in one and I always hear people saying that Reina always has one in her hole so that must be much the same thing right? Oh and yesterday I met up for karaoke with the members of C-ute. We had a great time. They said we must do it again. Only instead of karaoke next time we should try swimming and instead of doing it together I should do it on my own near a dangerous waterfall. Ah they are so kind.
Finally I was hanging round with Sayumi-chan yesterday. Apparently I’m not to tell anyone and it’s perfectly normal for two friends to do that together. But I’m definitely not to tell anyone as they might get jealous. And remember not to tell anyone. Sayu is nice. Especially her tongue.
Anyway I’m off to throw Corn Flakes at passing cars while singing the theme tune to The Banana Splits. Bye.
Ai-chan: What the fuck was that all about?
The tenth gen:…
Ai-chan: Oh as if I care.
(Ai-chan turns the dvd off).