Fanfic: Idol Cabin in the Woods

Exterior. Daytime. A beach. Hello! Project members are being filmed for an Alo-Hello style dvd. Members frolic in the water, others lie on the beach in disgusting bikinis. Sayumi is busy rubbing oil into the backs of Riho and Eripon simultaneously…whilst sitting on Sakura’s back. Members of C-ute play beach volleyball. The sound of fun is suddenly stopped by loud shrieks. Sayu turns around, C-ute stop in their tracks. People are rushing from the water. Members lying on the beach get up and start running further inland. “SHARRRRK! SHARRRRRK!” is the cry coming from several people. Coming into shore is a figure beneath the waves, slowly and gracefully weaving to and fro. People rush away in panic.

Haruka: SHARRKKK! ARRGHHHHHHHHH!

Haruna: Masaki swim! SWIM! FASTER! She’s gonna get eaten. MASAKI!

Masaki is desperately swimming as fast as she can but being a bit of a spazz it’s not that fast. The creature is catching her up.

Eripon: Hurry Masaki. Oh god!

Sayumi: She’ll never make it.

Closer and closer the creature gets. Masaki is swimming as fast as she can but even though the shore is close it’s not quite close enough. Suddenly she screams. The scream becomes a gurgle as she is dragged under. Bubbles rise up for a few moments and then the sea becomes calm.

Mizuki: Oh godohgodohgod!

Haruna: MASAKIIIII NOOOOOOO!

Sayumi: (Grabbing Riho really close and hugging her tight) Don’t worry Riho. I’ll protect you.

Riho: (Muffled due to squeezing) MUMMFFYOUUFGF

All is silent for what seems like minutes but is probably only seconds. Members of Hello! Project stand around in shock. Some sobbing can be heard from one or two members.

Just then an explosion out of the waves. Rearing up defiantly is the monster. The beast from the deep that dragged Masaki under. There for all to see with teeth aplenty and all of them looking bitey, and an intense stare in it’s eyes. Then from it’s throat a sound...”You BASTARDS! I. AM. NOT. A. SHARK!

Haruna: ARGGGHHHHHHHH SHARRRRK!

Haruka: A TALKING SHARK. ARGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Ayumi: Sayuuuu! They keep teasing me.

Just then Masaki re-emerges.

Masaki: I think she bit my leg off under the water.

Ayumi: I DID NOT!

Masaki: I’m gonna need a wheelchair. Aw shit I’ll be the next Aika.

Chisato: (Under her breath) Some say you already are.

Ayumi: (Pleadingly) Sayuuu! Please stop them teasing me.

Sayumi: Okay everyone that’s enough. Leave Bigger Boat alone now. Come and rub sun tan lotion into my back instead. Not you Mizuki or you Haruna.

Mizuki: How come she never wants us two to do it?

Haruna: I don’t know.

Haruka: (walking past them with a sigh) You’re too old.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Interior evening. A row of cabins where the Hello! Project members are all staying.

Cabin C-ute:

Airi: This is a great idea from the management. A dvd where we film ourselves!

Chisato: Yes. And it’s not at all a cost-cutting device.

Mai: Well at least we get to talk.

Airi: That’s it! Anymore music only image dvd’s and I was going to start making up captions like it was a silent film.

Maimi: Well whatever the reason it’s a great opportunity for us to kick back and relax on our own for a change.

Mai: Yeah that’s true. What do you think Nacky?

Nacky is silent in bed.

Maimi: Nacky you are quiet tonight.

Chissa: She’s busy fapping.

Nacky: I am not.

Mai: It’s hard to tell with Nacky as you always get the impression there will be a fishy smell anyway.

Nacky: Oi!

Chissa: Yeah. You look at gobby and you expect to smell fish.

Nacky sits up and flings a pillow at Chissa. Chissa steps out the way and it hits Oda Sakura just as she opens the door to come in.

Maimi: Oh Oda! Are you okay?

Nacky: Sorry.

Oda: (Breathing the pillow in deep and then smiling) Ah it’s okay. Can I keep it?

Nacky: Err…I kind of need it.

Oda: Well can I have it afterwards?

Nacky: Umm…I guess.

Oda: Can I hang around with you guys? Sayumi is organising another strip poker and naked Twister evening and she says I remind her of Ai-chan. She keeps looking at me and smiling. And winking.

Maimi: You’d better come in.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Cabin Momusu:

Sayu: Okay strip poker start!

Riho: Sayumin why are you only wearing a bikini?

Sayu: No reason. (Smiles)

Haruka: Do I have to play?

Sayu: YES! You all do…except Haruna and Mizuki.

Haruna: Right if I’m not wanted I’ll go and visit the Berryz.

Haruna leaves and walks next door to Cabin Berryz. She knocks on the door. There is no answer.

Haruna: Hello?

Slowly she opens the door and peeks inside. It is empty. She enters. A sound of bubbling can be heard and intense heat immediately hits her. The stove is on and a pan is bubbling over. Plates are set out on the table and vegetables half peeled lay around, some on the floor.

Haruna: Where is everyone?

She turns the pan off and lifts it off the boiling hot stove while continuing to speak to herself…which helps the narrative.

Haruna: It’s so heavy.

Placing the pan down in the sink she lifts off the lid.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Cabin C-ute:

Chisato: And then we had to leave France anyway as the police were saying Mai was an alien.

Oda: (Sitting on Nacky’s bunk staring at her. Replying to Chisato but half-heartedly while gazing upon a clearly confused and uncomfortable looking Nacky) Oh really. She didn’t have a passport or visa?

Chisato: Huh? Oh no. Not an illegal alien. They thought she was an actual alien. Something to do with her head shape.

Mai: Shut up! That’s a lie. We had to leave because Chisato had eaten all the horses and a national food shortage was declared.

Chisato: Actually I’ll have you know I’ve lost we…

Just then from nearby somewhere a loud blood-curdling scream.

ARGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Airi: Shit. Has Meimi got loose?

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Outside Cabin Berryz Haruna is on the floor gasping for breath and puking. Members of Momusu, C-ute and S/mileage come out.

Takechan: What’s up?

Haruna just points to Cabin Berryz while tears run down her face. Takechan and Maimi slowly approach the cabin. Looking inside they see a table turned over, knocked that way by Haruna in her haste to leave. They enter and start looking round.

Maimi: I don’t get it. What’s up? Also where is everyone?

Takechan: I’m not sure. OH GOD!

Takechan has just reached the sink. She collapses to her knees holding onto the edge of the sink in an attempt at keeping some balance. Maimi rushes over. Inside the pan lies a severed head face down.

Maimi: URGH. SHIT!

Maimi nervously attempts to pick it up by the pigtails. After a few failed attempts where she gets close to touching it but draws away she finally grabs it and pulls it up. The head swings round revealing it’s face.

Maimi: Momochi?

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Cabin Momusu 15 minutes later. Haruna is shaking badly while covered in a blanket and sipping whisky. Maimi paces nervously. Airi and Maimai come in.

Maimai: It’s the same in all the other cabins. The phone lines have all been cut, the vehicles’ tyres are down, our mobiles have all been stolen and Chisato I’m sorry.

Chisato? Huh? Why?

Maimai: We’re all out of pork scratchings.

Chisato: HEY!

Maimi: Enough! Stop arguing. We need to stick together and find out which of Tsunku, That Makoto Bloke, Mitsui or possibly this time Meimi did it!

Dawa: Meimi is still locked up in her room in chains so it wasn’t her. It was probably foreigners.

Sayu enters the hut with her arms tightly around Riho. Haruka closely follows accompanied by Bigger Boat.

Sayu: We found a trail of blood leading to the woods. They are all dead.

Maimi: What do you mean all?

Sayu: I mean all. Captain, Chinami, Mr Ed, Risako and the other two, Thingy and Whatsername.

BB: They were all piled up together.

Airi: What are we gonna do?

Maimi: Okay first of all let’s check we are all here. Sayu I see you. Okay Mizuki?

Mizuki: Here.

Maimi: Haruna:

Haruna: (Sounding really scared) H…here.

Maimi: Suzuki Kanon:

SK: Liquorice wheels.

Maimi: I’ll take that as a yes. Riho?

Sayu: She’s here.

Riho: MMMFUNMMDFFFLE.

Maimi: Sayu I’m not sure she can breath when you hold her like that. Nacky?

Nacky: MMMMFLELFFFLE.

Maimi: (Turning around) Okay Oda…you have been learning from Sayu haven’t you?

Finishing the check Maimi establishes all are there except the Berryz and the locked up Meimi.

Maimi: Right there’s safety in numbers. We will all just stay here together until morning and then head out together and raise the alarm.

Sayu: Good idea. And we can all snuggle up together too as there are only so many beds. Riho, Masaki, Oda, Haruka you can all sleep with me.

Oda: Aww. Can Nacky come too?

Just then the lights go out.

Eripon: (Crying out) Niigaki!

Suzuki Kanon: Marmalade!

Everyone else cries out general phrases in alarm such as “ARRGHH”, “HELP” and “OH FUCK” except Wada who inexplicably cries out “WHITES”. Riho cries out mostly because of where Sayu has put her hand.

Maimi: Okay keep calm. The generator has gone. I think there should be an emergency torch in a cupboard…found it! Right I need some volunteers to come with me to the generator. This could be a trap.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

A few minutes later armed with a torch Maimi heads out accompanied by team C-ute and Oda. Stumbling in the dark they finally reach the generator to find it smashed up.

Nacky: Well there’s no fixing that.

Oda: (Standing behind Nacky with her arms around her) What will we do?

Just then they hear a twig snap. Someone is approaching them fast.

Chisato: RUN!

In panic they all run in different directions. Maimi stumbles over a twig and loses her torch in the process. In the distance screams are heard. Maimi takes shelter behind a tree someway into the woods. Her eyes start slowly to adjust to the moonlight. After half an hour or so all has become quiet. Cautiously she starts heading back in the general direction of the cabins. Eventually she reaches the edge of the woods. The cabins are just a short distance away but over clear ground. Maimi gets onto the ground and starts to crawl. Eventually she reaches Cabin Momusu. She pulls herself slowly up to the window and tries to peek through a gap in the curtains. Just then a sound of someone moving near her. She turns her head and BAM! Blackness comes.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Waking up Maimi immediately tries to put her hands to her sore head but she can’t move them. They are tied to the chair. Daylight is coming slowly upon the cabin. Adjusting her eyes she looks around. Members of Momusu are tied up and gagged. Someone is dancing around singing Love Revolution 21 and randomly giggling with a mad high-pitched voice. The kind of voice that can only come from someone completely and utterly deranged. The kind of voice that immediately leads the listener to believe someone’s mind has cracked. The kind of awful, tone-deaf, giggly, mental voice that strikes cold-blooded fear into the heart of anyone sane. Maimi immediately knew therefore that the list of suspects had narrowed consideraby. She just didn’t know which particular member of S/mileage it belonged to.

The figure dances around wearing clothes taken from different Momusu members. The rendition of Renai Revolution 21 ends and she starts singing Help Me while bending over and sarcastically doing the “hah hah! breathy bits into members gagged faces.

Maimi using her superidol muscles is desperately trying to work her bonds loose. Finally she gets enough space to get free. Slowly she unties her legs, gets up, sneaks over to the dancing figure and whacks her over the head with a nearby saucepan. The figure falls to the floor. Maimi thinks to herself “who is it? Just who has been responsible for all this death and terror? Well Tsunku is responsible for S/mileage and has inficted deaf and terror because of their singing. But this…THIS is much worse”. Bending down Maimi turns the figure over so she can see her face.

Maimi: (Gasping) It’s Rinapuu…or is that Nakanishi? Well one or the other.

Maimi ungags and starts untying Sayu.

Maimi: Have you seen any of the other Team C-ute members?

Sayu: I think they caught Chisato. I haven’t seen the others. Fukuda left to look for them armed with an axe though.

Maimi: Fukuda? You mean she is in on it too?

Just then a voice from the doorway. “Yes. We all are:” Maimi turns around. All the other S/mileage members apart from Takechan and Meimi are standing there armed with axes and lumps of wood.

Maimi: But…why? Why do all this?

Wada: Well I am doing it as all you groups are infected.

Maimi: Huh?

Wada: You have all been abroad to Paris or America. In Kikkawa Yuu’s case even fucking Belgium.

Sayu: You got Yuu too?

Wada: Err…no. Nobody knows where she is. The record company couldn’t even remember her. She’s not really important though.

Maimi: But why are we infected?

Wada: See? You don’t even understand it. You have been abroad. You have foreign germs. You need destroying.

Maimi: (Edging away) But Rinapuu or are you Kananishi or Nishikana or whatever. Why you?

RinaNishi: (Whichever) Don’t you know? All of S/mileage are totally fucking damaged in the head. Well except Takechan. Which is why she’s currently tied up in the freezer.

Sayu: What are you going to do with us?

Fukuda Kanon: Why kill you and feed you to Meimi of course. She’s back in her room by the way because of the daylight coming. She did a good job on the generator though didn’t she?

Wada: Yes we will kill you all. First though we want to do a concert.

Maimi: Huh? Why?

Wada: Well there’s all of Momusu here and you. That’s more than we normally get to perform in front of.

RinaNishi: Yes and we can do your songs. We don’t normally get to do good songs.

Wada: Not since Yuuka left.

Maimi: I’m gonna stop you. You do know that don’t you?

Wada: You? How? You are outnumbered and unarmed.

Maimi: Yes but I’m also now standing right next to something incredibly dangerous.

Wada: Huh? What?

Maimi leaps towards Bigger Boat and quick as a flash unties her.

Maimi: You see I have a shark. Attack BB. ATTACK!

Quick as a flash Bigger Boat just sits there.

Bigger Boat: For the last time I AM NOT A FUCKING SHARK! What do you expect me to do?

Maimi: Oh. Err…(backing away from the advancing Re/tardage members) err…okay. Didn’t think that one through.

Kanon: I’m gonna remove your spine and use it as a musical instrument.

Wada: I’m gonna extract your eyeballs and use them as ping pong balls.

Rinathingy: I’m gonna (SMACK)…

Rinaortheotherone hits the floor. A voice from behind says “If a shark is not going to be of any help then how about a fish?”

Nacky is standing there with a spade in her hand. Behind her is Oda holding a plank of wood.

Nacky: Wada, Kanon, time to sleep with the fishes.

Oda: Aww can’t I?

Nacky: I don’t think you understood that one.

Nacky and Oda step forward and both swing at Wada. Both connecting. Wada drops to the floor. Her axe slides out of harms way. Kanon turns to run but Maimi is right behind her and wrestles her to the ground.

Maimi: Game’s over for you guys. It’s prison for you. And you needn’t think Meimi will come to your aid. It’s daylight now and anyway we will go and stake her.

Kanon: (Still struggling) Good luck. She’ll bite you and drain your blood.

Maimi: Only if a virgin approaches. Sayu go and stake Meimi.

Sayu: Okay!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Epilogue. All the Momusu members survived. Berryz were gone but quickly forgotten. The remaining S/mileage members were given life sentences. Most C-ute members survived but Maimai was never found. Some believe she teleported back to the mother ship and returned home. Others believe she was eaten by Rinapuu with some miso soup and a nice chianti. Still others believe that she is still out there in the woods somewhere too scared to return and that when you find a lake in a woods you should listen carefully. Stop what you are doing and listen to that sound. Because that ducky quack might not be an actual duck. It could be Maimai still lost somewhere in the wilderness waiting to return.

2 responses to “Fanfic: Idol Cabin in the Woods

  1. I hadn’t seen this until now, this was hilarious! xD Best part: “Oda: Can I hang around with you guys? Sayumi is organising another strip poker and naked Twister evening and she says I remind her of Ai-chan. She keeps looking at me and smiling. And winking.” LOL You always make all the characters so funny. If this story was a drawing, it would be a hilarious cartoon style drawing with exaggerated features, almost over the top.

  2. Pingback: Morning Musume DVD Magazine Vol.76 | Morningtime·

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s