Two old huh? Okay to explain at the beginning or the end? Well either way this is an exceptionally random post anyway and both options have drawbacks. So beginning it is.
Several years ago another blogger held a competition for idol fans that revolved around (I think) the 2010 football World Cup. The first so many people asking for entry were randomly allocated a team taking part in that World Cup. If your team ended up coming first or second you won a prize (photobooks, cd’s that kind of thing). However as the other blog was also an idol blog there was more to it. You were (for the purposes of having a bit of fun) to swap the real overpaid namby-pamby cheating rapists that makes up most professional footballers these days for a team made up of idols and with a team name you invented yourself. So instead of, say, Spain being the winners it would be AKB Gravure 11 or whatever. Plus there was one other prize available for the competition. One that didn’t rely on the real teams you were allocated actually doing well in the tournament. There was a prize for the best football review submitted. This review should show the real scoreline of the match chosen but should otherwise swap the real players for the idols the people who entered the competition had chosen. Now all these years later I can’t even remember what real country I had been given. Yet it doesn’t really matter as the review is all about idols playing a fictional football match. Or rather it was a real football match but fictionalised to involve idols. Confused? Probably. Sorry. >< Anyway I ended up writing two reviews and today while looking through my external hard drive I suddenly came across them. Since I have never written for any other blog at any other time it seems a shame these two “factions” aren’t here on this blog. Also since the other blog is long dead (huh. Fly by night blogs) I thought “well why not put them up here?” So here we have it. You are about to get two reviews. It doesn’t matter who the proper teams were as these are hopefully humorous reviews about idols playing football so it doesn’t matter if you know nothing about football. It also doesn’t matter if you know nothing about Doctor Who (but if you do know about it, specifically classic series Doctor Who you may spot a reference). Oh and it’s also a great opportunity to put up a cute Pic of Konno Asami. So yay!
Anyway my team was called Morning Gatas. It consisted of Momoko ‘Batshit Insanity’ Tsugunaga in goal, Ishikawa ‘Sexy Baby’ Rika, Nakajima ‘Nacky’ Saki as Captain, Okada Yui up front (she’s good at keeping abreast of the situation and it’s good two have two big strikers) and also alongside her Konno ‘Konkon’ Asami.
The first review was for a match against the amusingly titled Morning Sickness who were apparently managed by Morning Berryz. That blog is still sort of going apparently. Respect.
Hentai Gatas v Morning Sickness
And so the teams lined up for this momentous occasion. A rare Idol World Cup meeting between four-times champions Morning Sickness, managed by Morning Berryz and Hentai Gatas managed by Morning Time (no relation), a team that had never got past the last 16. Morning Sickness stood to attention for their national anthem Go Girl ~Koi no Victory~ FC tour version (although there was a pregnant pause before the anthem started). Then came the Hentai Gatas anthem Iroppoi Onna ~SEXY BABY~. This anthem, complete with sexy moves from the team members, brought the noise from the assembled bees to a thunderous crescendo of lustful delight. It certainly whetted the appetite for the match to come.
Following the anthems the two teams went along the line shaking hands with each other. Although for obvious reasons the two Okada Yui’s made sure not to touch each other (the possibility of the Blinovitch limitation effect causing the end of the world was clearly going to play on the minds of both players…they won’t want to miss the next game by picking up a careless apocalypse).
The match started off at a thunderous pace. Mostly it didn’t involve much of the ball but the players certainly seemed to be enjoying smacking seven shades of Mitsui out of each other. Hentai Gatas’ pin-up sexy baby Ishikawa Rika set the tone in the opening seconds with a crunching late challenge on Suenaga Haruka. It was so off the ball Haruka didn’t even see the ball…she was still waving her pom-poms. Morning Sickness responded in kind when Oshima Yuko lunged in late on Hentai’s wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly Captain Nakajima ‘Nacky’ Saki. But after this early cross between football and kick-boxing the game settled down. One early bit of skill came from the Sickness’ Haruka as she flicked the ball inside of Nakajima Saki before losing out when Hentai’s insane as batshit goalkeeper Momoko Tsugunaga came running out flapping her arms, shouting “I SHOULD BE CAPTAIN” and looking frankly quite mental. This acted to take Haruka’s eye of the ball allowing Ishikawa Rika to clear.
The rest of the half seemed to be playing itself out as a boring 0-0 draw until the 39th minute when the influential Ishikawa whipped in a great cross aiming for the prescence of the big two up front for Hentai. However the ball went over Yui and instead it was the other striker Konno Asami who leaped higher than both Hirano and Oshima to head the ball past Kyoko Fukada in the Morning Sickness goal. Fukada looked sick as an early morning pregnant parrot.
Half time Morning Sickness 0 Hentai Gatas a sexy 1 baby.
The second half started with the general expectation being that Hentai would get everyone behind the ball but actually, despite Sickness having the majority of the possession, Yui and Konno did look dangerous on the counter-attack. The first moment of note however didn’t come until the 62nd minute when Rika lunged in late on Haruka (again) and got a yellow card. Then from the resulting free kick in the 63rd minute Okada Yui (Sickness) bravely jumped higher than a clearly scared-to-challenge-her Okada Yui (Hentai) to head the ball past the despairing Momoko. The small goalkeeper being otherwise distracted by the octopus whose head she was trying to shove rice into.* The pre-match talk of the Hentai goalkeeper being poor dealing with crosses being proven true. Although you do have to feel for the unlucky Hentai team what with one player not being able to challenge the Sickness forward for fear of ending the Universe and the goalkeeper being a mental nut job obsessed with mistreating sea-creatures. Although one should also congratulate the Morning Sickness striker for keeping her eye on the ball and not letting the possibility of causing the apocalypse put her off the goal. A true striker’s striker not afraid to put her head in where an injury, or indeed a cataclysmic energy discharge that could threaten the Universe as we know it, could occur.
And so heading into the last 20 minutes the scores were level at 1-1. Could the Sickies make their second half dominance count or would the Sexy Babies hit them on the counter-attack through Yui’s imposing and rather delectable threat in the air(bags)?
Into the 70th minute and the second booking of the match came to the Morning Sickness defender Hirano Aya for a late challenge on the wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly as-sweet-as-she-is-sexy Hentai striker Konno Asami.
Then in the 82nd minute a stinging shot from Oshima forced a good save from Tsugunaga who had otherwise been largely unoccupied with the football match as she was still busy wrestling with a by now nearly dead octopus (it still wouldn’t take the rice though). In reality that was the last action of note in the match until the final whistle blew (when the Hentai players started swapping shirts…with each other. They sure live up to their name).
And so the game played itself out into a quite fair draw. Neither side will be over the moon but neither will be too despondent either. Although several of the Morning Sickness players looked a bit queasy coming off the pitch. Their pre-match meal of Marmite, jelly, onion bhajees, pickles and toffee ice cream perhaps catching up with them. Although they shouldn’t complain too much at the result. They did have ten players to Hentai’s five…when you think about it.
Final score Morning Sickness 1 Hentai Gatas 1.
*The Momoko octopus stuff was some sort of reference to a Momochi dvd where she was trying to prepare an octopus for cooking by shoving stuff into it’s head. Something it not unsurprisingly turned out was an incorrect preparatory technique. I swear I am not making it up. I don’t remember the dvd’s name though. Someone must know it? Anyone? I’m 99% sure I wasn’t just having some sort of psychotic episode. Well okay maybe more like 90%. 80%? Okay 75%…
Onto the second review and this time the Hentai’s were up against my old friend Hexi’s Awesome FC. Hexi’s blog is long dead. So many are. I feel old. I’m nearly six you know. Anyway onto the match…
Hentai Gatas v Awesome FC
And so it came to pass. Two managers, great friends off the field but great rivals on it, meeting on the World Idol stage. Hexi’s Awesome FC (nee Idol PWN) against Morningtime’s Hentai Gatas. Yes it was set to be the game of the competition. Sometimes it seemed more like a wrestling match than a football match. But enough of Junjun and Sayumi. Enter the teams.
Awesome FC continued with their controversial decision to play leading scorer Yoshizawa Hitomi in goal. The press back home had been very critical of that decision in the previous game when they had struggled to a poor 1-1 draw against Lulz (a team so amateur their kit is made of sheepskin). Hexi’s mum in The Guardian had called for her resignation while her grandparents had written scathing pieces in the News of the Hexi and The Daily Hexi Mail respectively. Meanwhile Hentai took the far more logical decision to keep the big two up front partnering Konno Asami. And so the team anthems began. For once Hentai Gatas were not the main attraction. Their strip show sexy moves to Iroppoi Onna Sexy Baby were as popular as ever but Awesome FC’s Dakishimete Dakishimete surprised everyone. Mainly for Junjun’s rather…LITERAL interpretation of the anthem. It looked like Sayumi would have a groin strain before the match had even started. Following the anthems came the ritual of the two captain’s – Tokunaga Chinami and Nakajima Saki – swapping flags. This being an idol competition though they also swapped photos (various sizes), posters, cd singles, shirts, hoodies, mugs, caps, mirrors, photo albums, jewellery sets, badges and notepads. The referee calling a halt to proceedings at this moment just before the players were about to swap sets of trading cards and mufflers. Well it had taken 45 minutes up to this point and the crowd were getting restless.
And so the game (finally) began. Truth be told Hentai Gatas were on the attack constantly throughout the first half. Ishikawa Rika, the Hentai playmaker in midfield, linking up well with Konno Asami on several occasions. The players seemingly able to take advantage of the weakness down the Awesome right hand side at will. Indeed in the 18th minute Rika fed the ball through to Konno on the left wing. Sayumi looked all set to put in a tackle when she herself was tackled from behind by Junjun…who’s on her own team…and it was a rugby tackle. O-o However Yui shot wide when the cross came in. Nevertheless a goal was on the cards and in the 27th minute Konno Asami with a delightful finish made it 1-0 to the Hentai. Rika setting the goal up with a lovely reverse pass through the legs of Chinami Tokunaga for Konno to curl the ball with the outside of her boot past Yoshizawa despite the attentions of the sliding Junjun (who slid into Sayumi again and ended up on top of her. In fact the Awesome Physio ran onto the pitch thinking one of them must be badly injured due to all the moaning and groaning. Indeed Junjun’s agonised thrusting made it look like she was in a lot of pain. However the physio upon arriving at the scene found out that it was just a minor finger injury as Junjun had somehow got her right hand stuck in Sayumi’s shorts. Also the ‘blood’ around Sayumi’s mouth turned out to just be Junjun’s lipstick. Sayumi was crying for some reason though). 27 minutes gone, 1-0 to the Gatas.
The next incident of note came in the 42nd minute as Junjun went to ground and accidentally brought down Okada Yui (she was aiming for Sayumi again). This was quickly followed by a booking for Hentai just on half time. Ishikawa Rika booked for a late challenge on Angry, the Awesome FC forward. There was a strange flash of light when they touched and both were knocked unconscious for 15 minutes. Which luckily meant they came round just in time for the second half.
Half time Awesome FC 0 Hentai Gatas 1 baby.
The second half started with a second booking for Awesome FC in the 48th minute as Michishige Sayumi made a petulant hack at the Hentai captain Nakajima Saki. Most pundits believing this was out of jelousy due to Nacky’s superior cuteness factor. The rest of the second half showed Hentai happy to contain Awesome and hit them on the counter attack. This plan worked well as Awesome had to resort to long-shots and never really threatened Momoko Tsugunaga in the Hentai goal. Momoko instead busying herself for the majority of the game by turning to the crowd behind the goal, touching her cheek with her index finger while sticking out her pinky and claiming to be the real captain.Then in the 84th minute one moment of surrealness. Michishige Sayumi seemed to go in late on Nacky again only for Junjun to immediately shove Sayumi out the way and take her place on the floor. The referee then booked Junjun, presumably for committing the foul that Sayumi had actually committed. Well either that or for dissent. Anyway into the 85th minute and from the free kick Ishikawa crossed to Captain Nacky who squared the ball to Okada Yui to stroke home from 18 yards. There was the usual hugging and kissing to celebrate the goal although the majority of this was from Junjun who had immediately turned to Sayumi following the goal and seemed to be getting confused as to the ritual of shirt-swapping. You’re supposed to wait until AFTER the game. Awesome FC 0 Hentai Gatas 2. And so, despite an injury time shot from Tokunaga Chinami that forced Momoko into her only save of the game, the match was effectively over. Hentai saw the game out for a comfortable 2-0 victory. The two managers shook hands warmly upon hearing the final whistle although Morningtime pointedly refused to shake hands with Awesome’s assistant manager Beckii Cruel.
Final score Awesome FC 0 Hentai Gatas 2
So there you have it. A totally random post even by my standards. Oh and as a footnote, from memory only three people submitted reviews and I didn’t win. I felt robbed. The referee’s decision was certainly controversial in my opinion. He was probably biased.
Well that’s all for now. I’ll be back next week when I’ll be showing you how to make a Large Hadron Collider using just a washing up bottle and your mum’s love balls and where some faceless non-threatening typical male children’s tv presenter type will be taking the Blue Peter dog to the vets to be put down. Goodbye. 🙂