The Great Motel Mystery

A rainy highway road in the middle of nowhere somewhere in America late at night. The MysteryMomusu van pulls up at an old motel.

Riho Shaggyashi: Are you sure this is the only place we can stay?

Mizuki Fredumura: It’s a deserted road. It’s the middle of the night. Where else can we stay?

Sayumi Doo: *Gulp* I don’t like it. I’m scared. Can I sleep with you Shaggyashi?

Riho: Yeah like you need a reason to try and sleep with me.

Ayumi Ishidaphne: Yeah you’re always trying to curl up with us. “It’s cold.” “I’m lonely.” “I want to sniff your bum”. Give it a rest. I can’t wait until you retire.

Sayumi Doo: I’m not retiring. I’m graduating.

Ayumi: With your singing ability? Same thing.

Haruka Kudovelma: Come on guys let’s just get inside. It’s starting to rain and it’ll probably start to thunder soon too what with this being a creepy old motel in the middle of nowhere late at night.


*Sayumi Doo jumps straight into a pile of Riho, Ayumi and the previously sleeping Oda.*

Oda: Huh? What? Someone’s got their nose in my crotch. It’s dark and I can’t see but I’m gonna say stop it Sayu anyway!

Sayumi Doo: Aww I’m scared though!

MasakiScrappy Doo: Let me at ’em. Let me at ’em. Let me at the LSD pills. Come on! It’s been an hour since my last one. I’m not scared! Pilly power! *Froths at mouth*

Haruna: Oh god she’s awake. Kanon you were supposed to drug her drink!

Kanon: I was going to but I couldn’t find a hat basket, some skipping rope and any back issues of Practical Housekeeping.

Erina: And so it begins. Kanon is talking nonsense, Sayu is sniffing crotches, Masaki is being annoying and I’m stuck in the middle of it. This wouldn’t happen if Gaki was still here. If Gaki was still here I’d be allowed a chauffeur and a car of my own. I’d be driven in a limo like I deserve because I should be the star. I’m the interesting one here. I’m the cute one.

Haruna: Huh. Say something about yourself.

Erina: I love Gaki.

Haruna: Now something else?

Erina: Err…I’m Gaki’s biggest fan.

Haruna: Now say something honest. Something not Gaki related. There’s just us here. Who are you really?

Erina: I don’t know what you mean.

Haruna: Cut the crap. There’s no cameras here. No wota. Say something about the real YOU.

Erina: I….I…

Haruna: Go on!

Erina: I…errr…I

Haruna: Go on. Hurry up!

Erina: I…I have a black heart. Okay I admit it. I hate wotas. I hate idols. I worship Satan and keep live chickens in my home to be used as sacrifices.

Kanon: That’s nothing. I keep Charles Dickens in my gnome to be used as saki ices.

Masakiscrappy Doo: You’re just weird. Let me at her. Let me at her! I’ll show her what weird is.

Kanon: Fuck off or I’ll spread a rumour you have distemper.

Mizuki: Guys enough. Let’s get indoors.

Riho: Okay. I’ll lead with Oda. The rest of you can waltz in behind us. Because dancing behind us is all you’re good for. Haha!

Mizuki: Give me strength.

Maskaiscrappy Doo: Give me DRUUUUUUGS!

Haruna: Give me a photobook.

Kanon: Give me a telephone, some plastic sheets, six cans of remorse and a copy of the highway code.

Erina: Give me Gaki goods.

Everyone else: Oh shut up Erina.
The reception. An elderly man sits sleeping in the back room and seems startled at the service bell.

Reception man: Huh? Wha? Visitors? We’re closed!

Mizuki: Closed? But it’s a motel and we’re the only vehicle here. You must have rooms?

Reception man: No! No! Anyone who stays here is haunted by the souls of some old native Americans who are buried beneath this very motel!

Mizuki: Look at us. Sayumi Doo is trying to hump Shaggyashi. Erina is wearing a Gaki shirt, a Gaki muffler, a Gaki cap and a Gaki Happi even though in reality she doesn’t give a shit about Gaki. Masakiscrappy Doo is trying to hide from us all by standing behind a hatstand that’s five times thinner than she is while making weird high pitched noises. Or perhaps she’s just singing. Hard to tell. And Kanon is having a conversation with the moose’s head hanging on the wall.

Kanon: We’re starting up a new unit. We’ll be called Momoosu.

Mizuki: So in the grand scheme of things I think the native Americans have more to fear from us.

Reception man: Fair point. I’ll get your keys.

Oda: Keys? Great! I love keys. Can you get me an A sharp?

Sayumi Doo: Can I have A minor? *sniggers*

Riho: Can I have a different room to Sayu?

Sayumi Doo: No! I’m sleeping in your bed.

Riho: Okay that’s fine. I’ll be sleeping in Haruna’s.

Haruna: Huh? Okay I’ll have Oda’s.

Oda: Then I’ll have Haruka’s.

Haruka: Bagsy Mizuki’s.

Mizuki: Look just give us five rooms. Four with two single beds and one with a double for Haruna.

Sayumi Doo: YAY!

Riho: Aww shit.

Mizuki: Sorry but I’d like to actually get some fucking sleep sometime soon.

Riho: So would I but I doubt I’m gonna.

Haruna: When you’re number one you have to put up with extra attention.

Erina: Yeah so tough Masaki bitch.

Masaki: Hey!

Kanon: Our first single will be called Love Moosechine.
An hour or so later. Everyone is sleeping. Except in Haruna’s room obviously. But in Oda and Haruka’s room the silence is disturbed.

Haruka: (in her sleep) Shut up Masaki.

The ghostly figure taken aback looks annoyed before saying louder


Oda wakes up, sees the figure and screams.

Haruka awakes: Huh? What’s up?

Oda: There was a figure there. It was all horrible. It had a terrible voice and it had something weird on it’s head and it looked really angry.

Haruka: Momochi was here?

Oda: No! Worse than tha…well okay not worse. Different than that!
Meanwhile across town.

Momochi: Dobbin! Dobbin!

Miyabi: I’ve told you before don’t call me Dobbin!

Momochi: Pass me my outfit. I feel like a trip out in the Batshitmobile.

Miyabi: That’s all very well but this has nothing to do with the Momusu fanfic plot.

Momochi: There’s a plot? Anyway let’s go. Batshitwoman and Dobbin out on adventures.

Miyabi: Look there’s not really any adventures to go on. I’m sick of this. Like last week where you were hunting down someone you’d glimpsed who you thought was the Joker and it turned out to just be Risako. It’s such a waste of time.

Momochi: Well have you seen Risako’s make-up?

Miyabi: Well…yes.

Momochi: Besides I did catch Catwoman that time!

Miyabi: Shokotan. Her name is Shokotan. And yes some cats are now safe from licking but that’s hardly a big thing.

Momochi: What else should we do with our time? Attend handshakes? Record a new pv for our next boring single? Sing our songs at concerts?

Miyabi: Umm…To the Batshitmobile. There’s adventures to be had!
Meanwhile back at the plot the Momusu members are all hurriedly rushing to the lobby.

Mizuki: I saw it too. A grotesque scary figure. Old and pissed off.

Haruna. Look I was asleep. Old? Grotesque? Pissed off? Are you sure it wasn’t Nakazawa Yuko?

Erina: Well it was dark in the room.

Sayumi Doo enters being carried by Riho.

Riho: Hnmf. You weigh too much. Do I have to carry you?

Sayumi Doo: Yes!

Riho: And we both have to be naked?

Sayumi Doo: No time for clothes. The gh…gh…ghost might come back!

Masakiscrappy Doo: Ghost? Ghost? Just let me at ’em. Let me at ’em! I’ll ignore him when he tries to shake my hand, run about randomly and then when he’s really confused I’ll sing something.

Haruna: Well your singing should scare off even the most evil spirit.

Kanon: Our second single will be Roman: My Deer Boy. Then we’ll release Elk Me!

Mizuki: (under her breath) For fucks sake.

Riho: What shall we do? Leave?

Mizuki: We can’t. It’s dark outside, there’s no road lighting, the rain is torrential. We could drive into a ditch or something.

Reception man: (Suddenly appearing) You should leave. It’s safer away from here. Legend has it there’s a curse on all who stay here. A CURRRSE!

Haruka: Is it anything to do with that cave out back?

Reception man: Err…no. What cave?

Haruka: The one with the digging equipment outside and the shadowy figures moving in and out.

Reception man: Err…no. No! Err…you must have been dreaming. Yes. That’s it! It was a hallucinatory dream caused by those not racist at all old red indians…I mean native Americans.

Haruka: Hmm. Well we ain’t leaving. Come on everyone. Ghosts can’t hurt us. Back to our rooms!

Sayumi Doo: Bu…bu…but gh…gh…ghosts!

Mizuki: Look on the bright side. You have a great excuse to keep close to Riho.

Sayumi Doo: Ghosts? Fuck ’em. Back to our rooms. Don’t worry Riho. I’ll protect you!

Riho: Fuuuck!

Kanon: Alaska Koi no Moosa!

Masakiscrappy Doo: That’s not even funny. Let me at OW!

Haruna: Oops. Accidentally poked Masaki in the eyes. Silly me. *snigger*
A few minutes later in the corridor outside their rooms

Haruka: So that’s the plan. We split up, look around for an improbable stroke impossible video projection unit slash tape deck set up then meet back here.

Oda: Again? We do this every week. The old guy is wearing a mask, the ghost isn’t real and Sayu will at some point have a post-Riho Sayu snack probably consisiting of a sandwich of me and Ayumi.

Ayumi: Yes it’s the same illogical bullcrap every week. Oh sure some weeks most of us are missing and it’s just fucking Masaki, Riho and Sayu but even so.

Haruka: Well it’s not my fault. Anyway look on the bright side. At least this isnt My Little Miyabi or something. Then it’d be “hey everyone let’s all run around with love in our hearts. Whee! Whee!”

Oda: Okay. You make a good point. Searching for the I’ll-never-see-it-coming plot conclusion it is!

Kanon: Reina’s a whore!

Mizuki: Why on Earth did you say that?

Kanon: Because she’s not in this story so I can.
Several pointless and improbable minutes later involving hiding in laundry baskets, mummies chasing them and the old man at reception being unmasked…

Mizuki: So it was That Makoto Bloke all along again!

That Makoto Bloke: And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling tuneless little fuckers.

Ayumi: Who’d have thought there’d be a gold mine hidden out back!

Haruka: Yeah. Honestly I never saw that one coming. I mean really. No I’m not being sarcastic.

Kanon: I get so car sick too sometimes. So I put a fruit bowl on my head and hum the theme tune to Emmerdale.

Haruna: Thre’s just one thing puzzling me.

Mizuki: Where are Sayumi Doo and Riho?

Haruna: No. I think we all know they are still hiding in a cupboard. In fact I can hear Riho sighing and Sayu panting from here. No what I’m wondering is who dismembered Masakiscrappy Doo? I was in the cave then I came out and she was just there. And there. And there and there and there…well actually there were bits of her everywhere. It can’t have been That Makoto Bloke, the friendly police chief who turned out to be in on it or the random school janitor who also turned out to be in on it too as you’d expect they’d be covered in blood. But the only blood on anyone is on all of you!

Mizuki: Err…yeah well it was dark I slipped on the blood. Fell over.

Oda: Yeah me too. And so did Ayumi, Kanon, Haruka, Erina…

Erina: Yeah in fact it was lucky she was already dead or else the axes and knives we were carrying at the time could have really hurt her!

Haruna: Oh…my…Buddha. You did it didn’t you? YOU ALL DID IT! You horrible, evil , uncaring swines. You all dismembered Masakicrappy Doo…and you didn’t invite me to join in! I hate you I HATE YOU!

Mizuki: Well we didn’t have time. The opportunity just presented itself. Sorry.

Kanon: Besides B sides bee sides bees ides. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Riho: I think as conclusions go that’s the best we’re gonna get. Now quick, while Sayu isn’t groping me let’s finish on a song.

Oda: Yes let’s do our new one.

Sayumi Doo: (Entering the room) Hey not fair. You can’t start without me. SAYUUUUUMIDOOOOOOBYDOOOOOOOOOOO!

Everyone: No Sayu. It’s Shabadabadoo!

Everyone falls about laughing. Including AKB fans when they hear the song’s title.


End Music lyrics: Sayuuuuumi and Masakiscrappy Doo. Sayuuuuumi and Masakiscrappy Doo. Sayuuuuumi and Masakiscrappy Doo. Do do do do do do. Masaki’s crappy power!


3 responses to “The Great Motel Mystery

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