The Hound of the Takahashivilles

Exterior: A dark moorland. Rain coming down heavily. A vicious gale blowing. Thunderclaps explode in the sky. Lightning flashes illuminate four figures running to a big stately home in the middle of the moors. Panic-stricken they stumble to the gate, looking behind them in terror. Hurriedly they rush up the path. In the distance a grotesque howling can be heard.

Niigaki: Sayu! Doorkey! Doorkey!
Sayumi: Aww thank you. I am looking good today.
Niigaki: Huh?
Sayumi: I have that effect on most people.
Niigaki: (Looking at Reina) …
Reina: …
Niigaki: (Realisation dawning) NO! Not doki doki. Doorkey doorkey…the key to the door!
Sayumi: Oh sorry. But why are we talking in English anyway?
Niigaki: Ixnay on the Englishnay.

Hurriedly the five young idols rush through the front door and quickly slam it shut behind them.

Niigaki: AI-CHAN I’M HOME!
Reina: AI-CHAN GAKI’S A HOMO!
Niigaki: AI-CHAN REINA’S A TOTAL FUCKING WHORE!
Suzuki: AI-CHAN SENSEI I’VE BROUGHT AN INFLATABLE BANANA, SOME ROPE AND A SPONGE!
Sayumi: Err Suzuki stop being weird.
Eri: yes that’s my job.
Niigaki: Eri you aren’t in Morning Musume anymore. Get out!
Eri: Aww (walks out the house sadly with head down).
Ai: What’s going on?
Niigaki: Ai-chan we were attacked by a vicious hound on the moors. The other ninth gen members ran off…well not Riho she more somersaulted off in a professional and frankly very eye-catching manner. Anyway we can’t find them.
Sayumi: And it’s getting dark now.
Suzuki: And Pikachu needs a hug.
Reina: And Suzuki is weirding us out.
Suzuki: And Reina is a whore.
Reina: YOU WHAT?
Suzuki: (Quickly) Niigaki said. Anybody want a plum?
Sayumi: Suzuki they aren’t plums. They are unsold copies of Mitsui’s dvd. And therefore NOBODY wants them.
Niigaki: Yeah where did you even get them? I thought they were being recycled into something more useful.
Reina: Yeah like walking sticks for people with no legs.
Niigaki: Or buttons for tights.
Everyone: HAHAHAHAHA
Howling from outside. Terrifying in it’s madness. The kind of thing that only a creature ugly and mental in the extreme could produce.
Ai: So the hound has attacked again? This has to stop. First Eggs started disappearing then members of Berryz Koubou, although nobody noticed for months, not even the other members of Berryz Koubou. Now three kyuukies. I think we should all retire…
Reina: Not likely I’ve still got years left.
Sayumi: Yes and I’m still super cute. Just because you are retiring at the end of…
Aichan: TO THE DRAWING ROOM! I THINK WE SHOULD ALL RETIRE TO THE DRAWING ROOM!
Reina: Oh.
Sayumi: Oh.
Suzuki: I like pickled bacon dipped in sherbet dib-dabs.
Ai: Err…yes. Well as I was having a dinner party for H!P idols tonight I suggest we join the others in the drawing room.
Reina: Who is here?
Ai: C-ute, two of S/mileage, the few Berryz who are left and Mano.
Sayumi: A lot of people then.
Ai: Yes but it’s okay…the drawing room is big size.

Interior: A drawing room. Lavish but cosy. Over the mantelpiece is a painting of Tsunku holding a tennis racquet in one hand looking over his shoulder and scratching his arse with his other hand. In the corner are hundreds of cd’s belonging to Ai-chan. Nearly half of them Korean and nearly half of them American and all of the American ones total shit.

Nakajima (Nacky) Saki: So it’s dark out. we’re surrounded by moors and an ugly horrific hound is on the loose?
Chisato: And none of our mobiles can get a signal here in the middle of nowhere.
Ai: Yes the nearest mast is a big-sized way away and with the weather being so bad the signal could be off all night! The house phone seems to have gone off too!
Sayumi: (In a scared voice) Oh no! Maybe it’s been cut? Kowaii!
Maimi: I guess that only leaves one question then. We’re trapped here, idols have been going missing, the phones are off and a terrifying mad hound with an awful voice is preying on us. So…
Chisato: Who exactly is controlling Mitsui?
Miyabi: Yeah I mean somebody must be controlling her. We all know the stupid bitch couldn’t manage to do anything on her own. She couldn’t even tie her own collar without making an embarrassing spectacle of herself.
Airi: Yes agreed. Hello everyone (cute smile and wave).
Nacky: Well if someone else is behind all this it could be anyone. Even another idol!
Chisato: Yes or a wannabe idol like one of the Eggs.
Maimi: It could even be someone in this room!
Reina: Good point. Right! Do we have any weapons here Ai-chan? Guns? Knives? The music of Matsuura Aya? Matsuura Aya herself?
Ai-chan: No. Nothing. I’m a pacifist.
Momoko: So that’s why Niigaki is always trying to suck you?
Ai-chan: Huh?
Miyabi: No Momo…a pacifist…not a pacifier.
Suzuki: I’m a teapot.
Reina: You’re a loon.
Suzuki: You’re a whore. (Quickly as Reina steps towards her looking angry) Niigaki said!
Reina: Yes Gaki and do you mind not saying things like that in front of the new members? They are very impressionable!
Niigaki: Well it’s not like it’s just me who says these things anyway. Everyone does. The other Momusu members, the Berryz, C-ute, S/mileage, Mano, the staff, the wotas…everyone!
Miyabi: Even Tsunku is always asking where the prozzer is.
Ai-chan: Anyway can we get back to the point. What do we do? We could be attacked in here. I’m scared. I’m retiring in a few months. Have you ever seen those buddy buddy action movies? The cop who is about to retire always gets killed and I am like a cop. I must be. I always hear wotas saying “that Ai-chan is great but the others aren’t much cop”.
Maasa: I suggest we barricade all the windows and doors to stop anything getting in. Then we place other idols by all the doors and windows while I stay in the middle of the room safe.
Everyone slowly turns and looks at Maasa.
Maasa: What? What? Seriously didn’t you see me in Hawaii? The first sign of trouble and I’m outrunning the lot of you. In fact if I was trapped in a corner I’d grab Momo and use her as a human shield!
Miyabi: It’s true. Maasa is a total fucking coward.
Maasa. Hey I know…maybe somebody could try and escape across the moors and get the police? Whoever goes could ride Miyabi out of here and call the alarm.
Miyabi: Or we could stay here and see how long it takes Maasa to get so hungry that she eats another Berryz member. You know…like she ate Risako.
Maasa: Fuck you. Risako was taken by the Woof Woof.
Miyabi: Lies! You just got peckish one day.
Maasa: Come here and say that you fucking mare. I’ll have you put down.
Momoko: Girls! Stop it! We Berryz must stick together. There’s only three of us left and anyway with Saki gone I’m the leader now so what I say goes!
Miyabi: No it doesn’t.
Maasa: Yeah it really doesn’t. You’re almost as big a total fucking loony as Suzuki.
Airi! HEY!
Maasa: I meant Kanon!
Fukuda: HEY!
Maasa: Oh for fucks sake. I meant the idol who is at this moment sitting in the corner of the room having an animated conversation with a lamp!
Suzuki: She’s my new friend. Her name is Bert.
Niigaki: Err…yeees. Anyway this is missing the point. Whoever is behind all these disappearances is the person we really need to be careful of. I’m sure Mutsei isn’t doing anything without their say so.
Sayu: So what do we do? We can’t stay in this room all night and I don’t fancy moving around in this big old house.
Ai: Yes why is house big-sized?
Reina: Why can’t we just stay in this room?
Sayu? Are you serious? There’s no mirror. How am I supposed to know if I’m still cute?
Niigaki: (under her breath) For fucks sake!

————————————————————————————————

Niigaki: Right lets start trying to solve this mystery. Now what could the motive be?
Maimi: Jealousy?
Chisato: Yes but of what? Us idols? If that was the case then you, Ai-chan and Airi would have been the first to go.
Maimi: Why do you say that?
Chisato: (looking at Mai and Nacky who are trying not to laugh) Oh err…nothing. Tell you what we’ll just stand over here on either side of you while you and Airi sort this out.
Airi: (Waving and smiling cutely) Okay!
Maimi: Don’t be sarcastic Chisa!
Miyabi: Jealousy could be a motive but why take out the Eggs first and then some Berryz? Could it be…C-ute are worried they are losing their cuteness?
Airi: (Waving and smiling cutely) No. Hiya!
Maimi: (Smiling with her eyes closed) No. I’m still cute.
Chisato: And I’m foxier than I’ve ever been.
Nacky: Uh…I’m not sure what I am.
Ai: Aww Nacky you are the cutest Hello! Pro member of all.
Sayu: HUH!
Mai: And I still look like an alien but meh I don’t care. C-ute still outsell the Berryz anyway.
Maimi: HA! Good point! (High-fives Mai).
Miyabi: Well I still find it suspicious.
Maimi: Well there’s nay reason to keep suggesting it’s C-ute’s doing. All your complaining will only make you hoarse.
Chisato: Yeah. Gee up Miyabi. This nightMARE will soon be over I’m sure.
Mai: Yes. Don’t forget you’re the glue that keeps Berryz together. If you keep acting filly then you’ll make a foal of yourself.
Maimi: HA! Nice one! HIGH-FIVE! (Mai and Maimi high-five).
Miyabi: Fuck you.
Maimi: Well what are you Berryz doing? There’s only three of you now. Maasa is sitting in the middle of the room spinning round so she can see everyone, you’re whinnying about everything and Momo…well Momo is wearing a lampshade and calling herself Bert.
Momoko: Suzuki was having fun. I wanted to join in.
Suzuki: I like Momo. She’s normal.
Momoko: Yes. Suzuki is normal too.
Suzuki: Let’s go for a ride on Miyabi.
Miyabi: HEY!
Momoko: No. I know. Lets get some spoons and make a spoon village for Tinkerbell.
Suzuki: Yes! Lets! I like rhubarb!
Reina: (Looking tetchily at Momoko and Suzuki) I’m starting to feel old. Maybe I’m behind all the disappearances.
Niigaki: I know exactly what you mean.

————————————————————————————————

Niigaki: Right! I think we need to search this house to make sure nobody else is here and to ensure all the windows and doors are locked. Ai-chan and I will search the bedrooms on the first floor.
Reina: That figures.
Niigaki: Reina can check for punters in the basement with Sayu.
Reina: Fuck you.
Sayu: I don’t want to go to the basement. It’s dark and damp down there.
Reina: Yeah. Anyway Niigaki should go there. Going down where it’s dark and damp is more her thing.
Niigaki: Don’t worry Sayu there are lights down there. They might not be car headlights but I’m sure Reina will manage.
Reina: Bitch.
Niigaki: Okay Yuuka and Fukuda you two Smilies being the youngest can climb all four flights of stairs to the attic.
Mano: Then bungee jump down them.
Yuuka: Okay we’ll do that. Mano will be doing something on one of the floors and we’ll go past behind her and totally steal all the focus from her.
Kanon: Yeah it’ll be just like old times.
Mano: At least I have a career that isn’t just based on sounding like one of Alvin’s chipmunks or Pinky & Perky while showing off loads of leg. I play an instrument. The piano!
Kanon: Bollocks. You play the keyboards…every now and then.
Yuuka: Mano Erina superstar came to the studio with a Yamaha. Tried to play Lalala Sososo, everyone cried out “No! No! No!”
Kanon. HAHAHA.
Mano: Fuck off moley.
Niigaki: Enough! Now then Mano you can go with err…Maasa to the second floor.
Miyabi: Oooh Mano’s gonna get eaten.
Maasa. Piss off Miyabi. Come on Mano let’s go. (Turning to Miyabi) So long…FACE.
Niigaki: Miyabi you can go with Momo and check out the rest of the ground floor.
C-ute can check the servants quarters. Seems a shame to split you up. Not when you keep losing members anyway. Ha!
Suzuki: And I’ll check out the hotel with some towels.
Niigaki: Err…yes actually I forgot about you. You can go with Reina and Sayu.
Suzuki: How about Bert?
Niigaki: Bert can stay here. I’m sure he’ll enlighten us if anything happens. GEDDIT? ENLIGHTEN us…because he’s a lamp!
(General stony silence)
Nigaki: Oh come on lets just go.

————————————————————————————————

Slowly the various H!P members take to the stairs or split off to check other parts of the house. Reina, Sayu and Suzuki approach the stairs to the basement.
Reina: You first Sayu.
Sayu: No Suzuki first. Youth before beauty.
Suzuki: No Reina first. She’s used to hanging around dark places waiting for men to suddenly appear.
Reina: (Grabbing Suzuki by the scruff of the neck) RIGHT THAT DOES IT! ONE MORE DISPARAGING REMARK FROM YOU AND I’LL START A RUMOUR YOUR FUCKING CHINESE. DO YOU GET ME? CHINESE! You’ll never get a chance in Momusu then.
Suzuki: I’ll tell you what…I’ll go first.

————————————————————————————————

Yuuka and Kanon are in the attic.
Yuuka: …and then I said “but Tsunku I can’t swallow all that and even if I did I’d put on weight. Anyway I’m on a low-salt diet.”
The lights go out.
Kanon: ARGHH! SHIT! Yuuka I’m scared.
Suddenly there’s a scream from down below.

————————————————————————————————

Ai-chan: Gaki I’m scared. What’s happening? Who screamed? Why are the lights out?
Gaki: I’m not sure. Come on there’s a torch in the drawer. Lets put our clothes back on and try and find out who screamed.
Ai: Okay I’ve got the torch.
(Buzzing sound)
Ai: Hey it’s not lighting up.
Gaki: Wrong drawer Ai-chan. That’s where we keep our funtime happy happy playthings.
Ai: Oh…so this isn’t chewing gum I’m chewing?
Niigaki: No…I can only presume that’s one of the condoms we use on cucumbers.
Ai: Cucumbers? Well it tastes of banana.

————————————————————————————————

Mai: I’m scared. What’s happening?
Maimi: Don’t worry Maimai we’ll head back to the living room.
Nacky: Maybe we should sing a song or tell jokes to cheer us all up.
Chisato: Hey I’ve got a joke. What’s got 20 legs but only 5 teeth?
Maimi: I’ve no idea. What’s got 20 legs but only 5 teeth?
Chisato: Dream Morning Musume.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Mai: Yeah 20 legs, 5 teeth and Alzheimers.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Chisato: Yeah 20 legs, 5 teeth, Alzheimers and incontinence.
HAHAHAHAHA! Maimi: That’s great Chisato. What do you think Airi?
…
Maimi: Airi?
Chisato: Airi?
…
Nacky: Umm…I don’t think she is here.
Mai: SHIT! Did we leave her behind?
Maimi: How? We were all together. Maybe she was taken?
Chisato: But it wasn’t her that screamed. That came from elsewhere?

————————————————————————————————

Miyabi: Who’s there?
Momoko: I heard footsteps. I can’t see.
Maasa: Miyabi? Momo? Is that you?
Miyabi: Maasa!
Maasa: Have you seen Mano? I can’t find her. We got split up in the dark. Then I heard a scream.
Momoko: We can’t see anything. It’s blacker than Tsunku’s heart when he kicked the pandas out of Momusu.
Miyabi: Mano’s gone? Oh for fuck’s sake Maasa. Can’t you hold your appetite in check for five minutes?
Maasa: Fuck you. You’re only lucky I’m not French or I’d eat you horsey-face. Hey wanna hear a joke? Miyabi walks into a bar. The barman says “why the long face”.
Miyabi. Maasa walks into a restaurant. The chef calls in reinforcements.

————————————————————————————————

The living room. Bert’s gone out. The room is black. As black as someone rapping all over an early Momusu single.
Nacky: Hello? Is anybody here?
Maimi: Looks like we’re the first back. Okay keep holding each others hands.
A light approaches from outside
Maimi: Who’s that?
Ai: (With torch in her hand) It’s me and Gaki. What’s going on?
Maimi: Beats me. Are there any other torches?
Ai: No but there’s candles and matches in a draw over in the corner of the room.
C-ute fumble around in the dark. Finally Maimi finds the candles and matches and starts lighting them. The other idols start entering the room one by one. Candles are passed out between them.

————————————————————————————————

Maimi: So what do we know?
Suzuki: Butterflies taste with their feet and the average human eats 8 spiders of a night in their lifetime.
Miyabi: That’s nothing. Maasa eats 8 idols in a week just for breakfast.
Maasa: Yeah and Miyabi just eats a fucking sugar lump.
Maimi: Err…I meant about what’s going on here. What do we know?
Niigaki: Well the lights are out, Mano and Airi have disappeared and Suzuki is eating one of the candles.
Suzuki: Tastes like those fruits you get in bowls on tables in furniture shops.
Reina: What? Wax fruits?
Suzuki: Yeah.
Reina: Who’d have thought it.
Niigaki: Okay we need to check the electricity. Ai and I will go check the mains. If they’ve been nobbled there’s an emergency generator outside. The rest of you stay here and don’t leave this room under any circumstances. Any questions?
Yuuka: Err…I’ve got one.
Niigaki: Yes?
Yuuka: Yes. One thing is puzzling me. We all split up to search the house and to secure the windows and doors right?
Niigaki: Yes.
Yuuka: And then there was a scream and Airi and Mano disappeared. Yes?
Niigaki: Yes.
Yuuka: So the one thing that I don’t understand, the one thing that makes no sense, the one thing that really puzzles me is…
Niigaki: (Tetchily) Yes? What?
Yuuka: Why is Ai-chan not wearing any clothes?
Niigaki: You noticed that huh? I was hoping nobody was going to say anything. Ai-chan I did tell you to get dressed before getting the torch didn’t I?
Ai: Sorry.

————————————————————————————————

Ai and Gaki are at the mains. Slowly Ai-chan gets back up off her knees and Niigaki starts putting her clothes back on.
Niigaki: Right now lets check the mains.
Ai: It’s been tampered with! Someone has removed the fuses.
Niigaki: Shit! Someone is gonna have to go to the generator outside.
Ai: But what if Scooby-Don’t is out there?
Niigaki: We’ll just have to hope she’s not around.

————————————————————————————————

A howling from right outside the drawing room window. Frightening in it’s madness.
Reina: Fuuuuuuuck! It’s the hound!
Sayu: What if she breaks in through the window?
Maasa: Everyone in front of me! QUICKLY!
Miyabi: Not fucking likely!
Suzuki: Emus are funny.
Maimi: Come on let’s barricade the window.
Miyabi: Yes. Lets use Maasa. She’s big enough.
Nacky: Umm…Maasa just ran out the room. She looked like she needed the toilet really badly.
Momoko: Huh?
Chisato: Yeah she looked like she was about to shit her…
Niigaki: (Entering the room holding Maasa tightly) Yes. Thanks Chissa. It looks like the mains were nobbled from within so it’s someone inside the house.
Maimi: Well it wasn’t us. We were all together.
Sayumi: What about Airi?
Mai: She disappeared after the lights went out!
Miyabi: Well it wasn’t me and Momo.
Yuuka: Or me and Kanon.
Ai: Then maybe somebody else was in the house?
A cold blast of air suddenly rushes through the drawing room.
Ai: Someone’s opened a door or window!
A growling outside the room.
Niigaki: Shit! Quick barricade the door.
Too late. The door bursts in. Standing in the doorway is a crazy looking beast with mad eyes and madder expressions. The sound from it’s vocal chords would freeze even the Devil in his tracks. Saliva drips from it’s fangs. It’s hair is matted and dirty. It’s forehead huge and misshapen.
Maimi: Mitsui!
Ai: Mitsui no! We’re your friends.
Reina: Who let her in?
Suzuki: This rug tastes funny.
Momoko: (Taking a bite of the Persian rug Suzuki had plucked from in front of the fireplace) It needs a bit longer. Put it back in front of the indoor barbecue.
Niigaki: AHEM! Getting back to Saneworld, someone let Mitsui in. Who? Come out whoever you are. It makes no difference if we know now.
A figure steps out from behind Mitsui.
Sayumi: Eri!
Reina: Eri?
Momoko: So Eri was the culprit all along.
Kanon: Yes. Who’d have thought she had it in her to be a criminal mastermind.
Momoko: Yes especially seeing as her hands are tied behind her back and there’s a gag in her mouth.
Chisato: Yeeeees. Momo I think Eri might not actually be the criminal mastermind behind all this.
A voice from behind Eri.
How could she be? You can’t be a mastermind without the mind.
Lots of gasps.
Maimi: That Makoto bloke!
Makoto: Yes! It is I, that Makoto blo…HEY! It should be Makoto sensei.
Loud laughter.
Reina: Yeah right. And Niigaki has nice hair!
Niigaki: Hey!
Sayumi: Yes and I’m not cute.
Niigaki: Hmmph.
Suzuki: Yes and Reina’s not a whore.
Reina: Right! (Grabbing Suzuki and pushing her forward) Mitsui! Dinner time!
Ai: Reina! Let go of Suzuki! Partly as feeding her to Mitsui is morally wrong but mainly as she has all my silver cutlery sticking out her pockets.
Suzuki: I was going to sell them to raise money for disadvantaged and orphaned Pokemon.
Niigaki: Err getting back to the point…
Makoto: (Pulling out a gun) ENOUGH! Everyone shut up!
The idols all back up faced with the twin threat of Mitsui’s fangs and also the fact she probably smells too. Oh and Makoto’s gun…that as well. The idols get waved into the corner.
Ai: But Makoto sensei…why?
Makoto: Hairdo!
Ai: Hairdo? What hairdo?
Some of the younger idols are whimpering in fear. There’s a hubbub of noise. At the back of the group of idols some are struggling to hear. They also can’t see as the lights are still out and only candles and Ai and Makoto’s torches light the room.
Yuuka: Eh? What’s going on? What are they saying?
Maasa: (Who is at the very back of the room behind everyone and holding Yuuka tightly in front of her) I think I heard someone saying “hairdo”
Yuuka: Hairdo? What hairdo?
Sayumi: Wota hairdo?
Suzuki: Runs very fast.
Sayumi: Eh?
Suzuki: A hare. Runs very fast.
Sayumi: Oh!
Makoto: QUIET! I’d had enough of people skitting at my hair. I’d also had enough of the stony silence that greets me whenever I go on stage. All these H!P concerts at the start when the credits come up you all get cheers. I get nothing! I was a musician you know. A proper one!
Ai: But how did you get Mitsui on your side?
Makoto: Oh that was easy. I promised her a years supply of Good Boy Choccy drops. (In a ‘talking to a baby’ voice) Do you want a choccy drop? Do you want a choccy drop? Do you? Yeeees. Yes you do want a choccy drop don’t you?
Excited panting. Mitsui is jumping up at Makoto and putting her front paws on him. Her tongue is hanging out and her tail is wagging.
Makoto: Now SIT! Goooood girl! Here you are.
Maimi: What have you done with all the idols?
Makoto: Oh they are quite safe. Mitsui took them to a cave on the moors.
Ai: So they are alive?
Makoto: Yes. I never wanted to harm anybody. I just wanted Hello! Project to finally end so I can go elsewhere and be taken seriously as a musician again. I couldn’t leave as I was under contract and moving to another employer by quitting is frowned upon. I mean…I’m no Maki fucking Goto.
Niigaki: That’s true.
Maimi: Yeah fair enough.
Niigaki: You’ll never get away with this!
Makoto: How you gonna stop me? I have Mitsui and a gun!
Niigaki: Mitsui! If you stop doing as Makoto says I’ll also buy you a years supply of choccy drops plus I’ll have Reina pretend to be your friend for a year too and get her to let you stay over at hers at least once a month. What do you say? You’ll have a pretend friend and some snuggle time once a month?
Reina: EH? Aww do I have to?
Mitsui: (In a whimpering voice) Fweeeeeend?
Niigaki: Yes a friend.
Reina: (Interrupting) Only a pretend one! And only for a year!
Niigaki: But won’t that be nice? Having a friend at last rather than just people who tolerate your existence because they have no choice?
Mitsui: Oooo ooo ooooow. Fwend? And choccy drops?
Ai: Yes Mitsui. And Reina will give you a nice bath every month and a rub down afterwards with a nice warm towel. No more smelling bad or having dirty tangled hair!
Reina: Fuck off! You do it.
Niigaki: Reina if you do this I’m sure Tsunku will happily make you sub-leader when Ai-chan leaves.
Sayumi: Hey!
Niigaki: Well do you want to wash Mitsui?
Sayumi: Sub-leader! Yay! Congratulations Reina.
Reina: Aww fuck.
Makoto: Well this is all very touching but your forgetting one thing. (He waves his gun).
Maimi: Yes and you are forgetting one thing too.
Makoto: What’s that?
Maimi: I’m a genetically engineered super idol. I don’t just sing, dance, act and look damn fine…especially in shorts, no. I’m also good at kicking arse!
Quick as a flash Maimi cartwheels over to Makoto and kicks the gun out of his hand before elbowing him in the stomach, kneeing him in the balls and pulling him backwards onto his knees by his exceptionally naff fringe.
Chisato: Ha! Maimi puts the maim in C-ute.
Ai: Great work Maimi! That was some good high-kicking! Right. (Turning to Makoto) Now I want you to go and fix the lights while Mitsui brings the other idols here.
Makoto leaves the room with Maimi hoding his arms behind his back, Chisato pistol-whipping him with his gun and Maimai looking like an alien. Nacky follows up in case Maimi needs back-up, just like a good little sister should.
Ai: Hurrah it’s all gonna be alright.
Sayumi: Everyone is alive!
Yuuka: Yes!
Sayumi: Usa-chan Peace (Usa-chan Peace pose).
Niigaki: Err I’m not sure of the relevance.
Sayumi: Who cares. I’m cutest though.
Momoko: (To Sayumi) No! I am!!
Sayumi: (Looking annoyed) No! (cute bendy pose followed by elbow into Momo’s ribs. Momo flies off sideways and ends up on the floor.)
Sayumi: Alright! I AM the cutest!
Just then the lights come back on to cheers all round. A moment later Makoto reappears with blood now gushing from his forehead.
Maimi: (As Makoto falls to the floor) Okay Chisato I think you can stop pistol-whipping him now!
Chisato: Aww.
Ai: Soon the missing members will all be here and we can have the dinner party after all.
Yuuka: Yes I can’t wait to see Wada and Ogawa again.
Momoko: Yes and I can’t wait to see Captain, Chinami, Yurina and Risako.
Nacky: And Airi and Mano too!
Makoto: (Slowly getting back up off the floor) Ah yeah that’s the one odd thing.
Maimi: What is?
Makoto: I had nothing to do with Risako’s disappearance. And I know nothing about Airi’s or Mano’s either.
BURP
Maimi: Maasa!
Chisato: Wait…is that part of Mano’s clothing sticking out of Maasa’s pocket?
Maimi: Yes now the lights are back on I can see it. Niigaki: Wait…it’s not just part of her clothes…it’s her arm in her sleeve!
Ai: And isn’t that Airi’s leg sticking out her other pocket?
Maasa: Well I was hungry. I hadn’t eaten in hours and I thought we might be stuck here all night!
Maimi: Maasa! You bitch!
Momoko: Did you eat Risako too?
Maasa: Well with all the idols going missing I didn’t think anyone would notice another one gone. Anyway she was so juicy and meaty!
Miyabi: Told you!
Ai: You ate Risako? I have to say Maasa I didn’t know you ate so healthily.
Assorted murmurs of “Huh?”
Ai: Well Haven’t you heard? Berryz are good for you.
Sayumi: Yes they are one of your five a day.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The end!
Nacky: Wait…that’s the end? Three people have died! How can you laugh as though nothing has happened?
Niigaki: Well it’s like an 80’s tv show ending.
Ai: Yes no matter how many people have died it doesn’t matter as long as at the end there’s a crap joke.
Maasa: Yes 80’s tv was a sekai wa punny party!
AHAHAHAHAHA!
Nacky: Hey that isn’t funny. Come on girls! Airi, Risako and Mano are dead. Stop laughing.
Maasa: No. Anyway 80’s tv was a sekai wa punny party!
AHAHAHAHAHA!
Nacky: You just said that!
Maasa: (BURP) I know. It must be Mano repeating on me!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The end!
Nacky: You guys…you guys are fucked up! (Walks out.)
Reina: Err Ai-chan…maybe you should put some clothes on now?
Niigaki: (Looking Ai up and down lustily) Ah yes. I’ll err…take her upstairs.
Reina: I bet you will.
Niigaki: And put some clothes on her…eventually. Back in an hour or two.
Ai: (Giggling) Niigaki’s tongue is so big-sized!

The end!